Telling the Tale: The Legacy of Chibi Kain, Tome 1
by PhoenixAS Comics
Summary: After killing Nutgrabber, Kain steals his booze and holds a keg party, in viting almost every character in the series and special guest stars who reviewed! And then, in the Soul Reaver Era, he decides to go back to high school, cause of a certain teacher
1. The Awakening

Disclaimer: I don't own Blood Omen or any other LoK game! Pity.  
  
This fic is a courtesy. Someone (I can't remember your name, dammit!) wanted this fic made, and thus, through my 'good will' (snickers can be heard in the background) I decided to make it. Man, this story is gonna suck!  
  
Malek: (walks in, with a taser taped onto his pike, then shocks the author) Dumbass!  
  
ARG!! Gabadigabad-gibodigiboda!!!!!!! OW! You jerk! Alright, this fic is gonna... get more than two reviews, unlike my Paladin one (someone, and I mean anyone, review it) On to the show.  
  
Malek: (tases him again)  
  
DAMN!!! Fic! Onto the fic!  
Blood Omen: The Legacy of Chibi Kain  
  
[5 centuries ago]  
  
Six Guardians are watching Nosgothic Friends (I think I'll make that a fic, too) until...  
  
THUMP  
  
Guardian 1: What the hell was that?  
  
Vorador's Voice: How the hell do you get in there?!  
  
Guardian 2: You have to pull it open, sir!  
  
Vorador: (pulls the door open with all his strength, unfortunately it bounces off the wall and smacks him off his feet, and he rolls all the way into the basin in the center of the room) I'm okay!  
  
Guardian 1: Cool!  
  
Guardian 5: What do you want?  
  
Vorador: (raises shakily to his feet) To avenge my... my... damn! I forgot!   
  
Guardian 6: (walks over and slaps his)  
  
Vorador: OW! (Remembers) Wait, I'm here to avenge my dad, Janos! Thanks man!  
  
Guardian 6: Well I am the Pillar of the Mind!  
Guardian 4: (with head phones on, listening , and dancing, to Brittany Spears, then finally notices Vorador) Oh my God! (Throws off the head phones) Its you!  
  
Vorador: Oh God! A Pillar Guardian's one of my fangirls!  
  
Fangirl Guardian: Oh my God, it's the Vampire Vorador, a.k.a. the pimp daddy of Termogent! You are so my hero! (Runs up and hugs Vorador)  
  
Vorador: I hate it when this happens.  
  
With Raziel  
  
Malek: Lord Moebius, there is trouble within! Vorador's stealing my girlfriend!  
  
Moebius: Deal with it!  
  
Raziel: You, a girlfriend?! HAHAHAHA!! You must be drunk or something!  
  
Moebius: What my Malek-Walek does is none of your business!  
  
Malek: Ex ne on the Malek-Walek!  
  
Moebius: You bitch! I knew you never loved me! (Runs out of the room and bolts the door)  
  
Malek: Oh man, Mortanius is gonna have my ass for this!  
  
Raziel: (mocking) And not in the way you want, right?  
  
Malek: (gets an idea) Time to see how hard that head of yours is.  
  
Raziel: Huh?  
  
Malek: (points behind Raziel) Look, Ariel!  
  
Raziel: (swings around) Where?!  
  
Malek: Sucker! (Grabs Raz and uses his head as a battering ram)  
  
Raziel: OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW!! Ouchies, m'kay?  
  
Back with Vorador  
  
Vorador: And them I kicked him up the butt, and he fell right out of the retreat!!  
  
All the Guardians: (insane amounts of laughter)  
  
Fangirl Guardian: Your dad sounded like such a nice guy...  
  
Vorador: Yeah, he let me drink a drunk man's blood when I was only 129!  
  
All Guardians: (no idea if that's young or not, then give out all sorts of 'that's awesome' crap)  
  
Vorador: Yeah.  
  
The sound of a door breaking down is heard, and Malek yelling.  
  
Malek: Trina, you keep your hands out of his pants, you hear me!  
  
Fangirl Guardian: Jerk.   
  
Guardian 3: How about, to commemorate such a great Vampire, we all do suicide?  
  
All Guardians: Yeah!  
  
Vorador: It's really not necessary.  
  
Fangirl Guardian: This is for you, and your daddy! (Drowns herself in the basin)  
  
Vorador: 0.0? That girl was crazy!  
  
Malek: (trying to kick the door down) What the hell?  
  
Guardian 1: I'm so sorry for you! (Flays himself)  
  
Vorador: God, nasty!  
  
Guardian 2: Goodbye, cruel world! (Stabs herself)  
  
Guardian 3: Die, bastard that I am! (Tears his own throat out) Jesus, that does hurt! (Dies)  
  
Vorador: You people are so nice! (Eyes tear up) God, this hurts my eyes so damn bad, but it's so sweet!  
  
Guardian 5: Vae Victus! (Bends down, steps back, then runs at full speed into the wall, and bounces off) Ow! I'm still alive, but I just hurt a lot!  
  
Malek: Dammit, someone open this door! (Kicks it) OW!  
  
Guardian 6: (to Guardian 5) Here. Let me help you. Spirit Death! (Nothing happens) Well I'll be damned! Try this! (Picks up a chunk of Guardian 1 and runs him through with it)  
  
Guardian 5: (in A LOT of pain) Thank you! (Dies)  
  
Guardian 6: (to Vorador) Hold this. (Tears out his heart and hands it to him)  
  
Vorador: Alright, but how are you going to kill yourself?  
  
Guardian 6: Like this! (Drops dead on the spot)  
  
Vorador: Huh, I just got six members of the Circle to kill themselves.  
  
With Raziel  
  
S. Raziel: He was really that nice?  
  
Raziel: (sad) Yeah.  
  
S. Raziel: What have I done?! (runs himself through)  
  
Raziel: Huh, I just got six Sarafan generals to kill themselves.  
  
Back with Vorador  
  
Malek: Is there a trick to this door or something?  
  
Vorador: I had trouble with it too, you have to pull it open.  
  
Malek: Ah. (Pulls it open) Die Vampire. (Stares at Vorador)  
  
Vorador: To hell with you, Sarafan! (Stares at Malek)  
  
Both: 1-2-3 I declare a thumb war! (Start to thumb wrestle)  
  
Vorador: I'll thumb you so good..!  
  
Malek: Not if I thumb you first..!  
  
Mortanius: (walks in) What the hell are you two doing?  
  
Both: (hide their hands behind their backs, still wrestling) Nothing.  
  
Mortanius: You didn't do anything, huh?!  
  
Both: (still thumb wrestling) Uh-huh...  
Mortanius: Then why the HELL did Moebius just g running down the hallway yelling: "I wanna be someone's bitch"?!  
  
Malek: (pins Vorador down for 10secs) HA! (Pulls their hands in front of Vorador)  
  
Vorador: (clocks Malek with his hilt) (To Mortanius) Bye-bye! (Teleports out)  
  
Mortanius: (sighs and looks down at Malek)  
  
Malek: First my girlfriend does suicide, then I get clocked in the head.  
  
With Raziel and Kain  
  
Kain: (sighs angrily, looking at the Soul Reaver, which just devoured Raz) First he get's drunk and falls into the abyss, and now this. (Shifty eye thing to make sure no ones looking, then scoops up the Reaver and hugs it) I love you!  
  
In Avernus Cathedral  
  
Mortanius: Malek of the Sarafan, for failing your duties to protect and prevent the Circle from dying or committing suicide-  
  
Moebius: Ahen.  
  
Mortanius: -and breaking Moe's heart, you are hereby damned! (About to strike the hammer down)  
  
Malek: Wait!  
  
Mortanus: (sighs) What is it, damned one?  
  
Malek: Do I get a last request?  
  
Mortanius: (thinking about it) No.  
  
Malek: Crap.  
  
Mortanius: (strikes the hammer down)  
  
Malek: Crud! (He gets damned into the armor)  
  
Moebius: I hope this doesn't change anything between us?  
  
Malek: From now on, this spear is for killing Vampires, and NOTHING else!  
Moebius: NO!!!!!  
  
[present day]   
  
Kain: (standing a proud 6'5) What 'ya mean I've had enough to drink? I won the Worlds Sexiest Pillar Guardian That Will Become a Vampire Award!   
  
Barkeep: You know damn well you had too much to drink!  
  
Kain: What are you smoking? I'm still conscious, ya butthole! You and your 11 clones standing beside 'ya!  
  
Barkeep: (looks around, and sees there's actually 11 clones around him) What did I tell you? You hide in he barrel of whiskey 'till you're a skeleton!  
  
11Clones: Sorry sir... (one by one jump back into the whiskey barrels and close them)  
  
Kain: On second thought, I've had enough to drink.   
  
Silence  
  
Kain: One more, please!  
  
Barkeep: NO!  
  
Kain: I'm from Coorhagen I can pay you thirty-five cents!  
  
Barkeep: The cost of a beer is $4,00 you jerkhole!  
  
Kain: I ain't gonna pay four bucks for a damn watered down dead guys bodily fluids! I'm outta here!  
  
Kain V.O.: And so I was forced onto the road, and the long night ahead, cold of heart and soul.  
  
Kain: That ain't what I said!  
  
Kain V.O.: Deal with it.  
  
Outside  
  
Brigand: There he is! (Points to an old lady) Kick his ass!  
  
Old Lady: You lousy hitman!   
  
Random Brigand: Die! (Tries to punch her)  
  
Old Lady: (catches his arm, breaks it, them pulls off some ninja moves on him) Hiya!  
  
[Kung-fu fighting theme song]  
  
Kain: Whoa!  
  
Brigand: Take this! (Tries to stab her)  
  
Old Lady: (pulls out nunchucku and blocks the sword)  
  
Brigand: Oh crap!  
  
Old Lady: Watch your mouth around the elderly! (Lays the smack down on him)  
  
Other Brigand: Die Lady! (Tries to cut her head off)  
  
Old Lady: (ducks and nunchucku's his balls 8 times) Hoowa!  
  
Other Brigand 2: Try this! (Tries to cut her in half)  
  
The camera focuses on Kain's face, with his jaw dropped, and the sound of fighting in the background for a few seconds.  
  
Brigand 847(last one): Die! (Tries to stab her)  
  
Old Lady: Hyahwhalalahaha! (Smacks him per syllable)  
  
Last Brigand: Oof! (Drops like a ton of stones)  
  
Kain: Nice moves mam! (Pat's her on the shoulder)  
  
Old Lady: Rapist! (Kick's Kain in the nuts)  
  
Kain: (really high pitched) Eeek! (Drops onto his hands and knees)  
  
Old Lady: (picks up a sword) Die! (Guess what?)  
  
Kain: (does his death cry)  
  
In the Underworld  
  
Kain Voice Over: Vae Victus; suffering to be conquered. Funny how it was I who was suffering. It was beyond physical pain; a jab of impotent rage- the lust for vengeance!   
Kain: No physical suffering? Look down.  
  
Voice Over: Okay. (Silence for moment, then-) Oh my God! There's a sword in our chest!!  
  
Kain: Yup, all the way through.   
  
Voice Over: I was plucked from the brink of oblivion by the Necromancer Mortanius-  
  
Camera zooms in on Morty, and cheering is heard.  
  
Voice Over:- who offered me a chance for revenge.  
  
Kain: An if we refuse?  
  
Voice Over: We were to claim Moebius as our bitch.  
  
Camera zooms in on Moebius, in the distance. He's doing that gay wave thing were you fan all five fingers in a rhythmic pattern  
  
Kain: Accept! I accept! I'll take the revenge!!  
  
Mortanius: Alright then, just hold still. (Starts pulling the sword out, but it gets caught halfway through) Wow, she really jammed it in good!  
  
Kain: Just pull the damn sword out.  
  
Mortanius: (after several tries, and in several positions, manages to pull it out) There we are!  
  
Kain: Just a little lower... there! Ahh... bliss.  
  
Little demon: (scratching Kain's back) Here you go, sir.  
  
Mortanius: Kain?  
  
Kain: Yeah? Ooh, that's good!  
  
Mortanius: You should be in pain! I just pulled a damn Iron Sword out of your back!  
  
Kain: Still drunk, can't feel pain.  
  
Mortanius: Well you outta start respecting me!  
  
Kain: Make me, there's nothing you can do, I'm the main character!  
  
Mortanius: (magically releases his bonds, then kicks the little demon into the lava)  
  
Little Demon: Crud! (Burns to a crisp)  
  
Kain: Hey, I was enjoying that!  
  
Mortanius: (offers him the sword with an evil smile) Want this?  
  
Kain: Yeah, thanks! What?! (gets bathed in an evil light)  
  
Mortanius: (camera zooms on him) You shall have the blood you hunger for!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!  
  
Kain's Mausoleum  
  
Voice Over: I awoke to the pains of a new world. And was exactly 1/8 my normal size.  
  
Kain: What the hell?! (a note falls from the roof and lands beside him) Lets see. (Picks it up and reads it out loud) For showing me no respect, I have transformed you into a Vampire smurf. You suck  
-Mortanius  
PS- Moebius sends his love.  
  
Kain: Son of a (takes a deep breath) B*******************H!!!  
  
Janos' Retreat  
  
Janos: Whoa! That potty mouth was loud enough to wake the dead! Wait a second... I'M ALIVE!! HUZAH! (The roof collapses on him, and only hand is protruding, holding a note that says: I'm dead. Crap.  
  
End  
  
Author's Note: Ha! I lived through the madness! (Is in a stretcher) Though I did piss Malek off quite a bit. Review me please, so the madness may continue!  
  
Paramedic: Do you think you'll need the breather?  
  
Seph0201: Yes. (Gets one on his face, making his neck cast stick out, and gives a thumbs up) 


	2. The Friends

Disclaimer: I, who doesn't own Lok, is back. I do own, however, LocK. HAHA! Try and steal that, Eidos!  
  
Holy Samaritan! I have fans! I've teamed up with a friend for this one, so expect true insanity. Thank you for the reviews  
  
Angel-Chan- Thanks for the powder, I haven't felt better since second grade! (Hugs her, then slides his hand down her back, until she forces away, and punches him off his feet) I had that coming.  
  
Concept of a demon- You're damn lucky I respond well to threats!  
  
Onto the show!  
  
Malek: You never learn, you son of b***h! (Tasers him again)  
  
Agagagagagagawawawawawa!!! Dammit! Alright, fic! Onto the fic. (Muttering) Jerkass.  
  
Malek: You little punk! (Tasers him again)  
  
Awawawawalilolaleloratataa!!!!! FRAK!!  
The Legacy of Chibi Kain  
  
Chapter 2: New friends, author's friends  
[Kain's Mausoleum]  
  
Kain: Dammit, I'm not even three feet tall! What the Hell!? How am I supposed to get revenge if I'm a damn smurf?! What the Hell was that Necromancer thinking!?  
  
Voice in a coffin: Shut the Hell up, you fraking mini-me wanna-be!  
  
Kain: What the Hell did you call me?!  
  
Different Voice in a coffin: He called you a Mini-me wanna-be, jackbutt! Now lemme sleep!  
  
Kain: Alright, I'll give you sleep. Eternal sleep! (Runs to the coffin doing Xena's battle cry)  
  
Voice 2: Shut up, you little psycho smurf!  
  
Kain: Die! (Draws out his Iron Butter Knife) Wha-wha... WHAT THE HELL?!  
  
Voice 1: Enough! Time to kick some ass, Ryan! (Kicks the top off of his coffin and jumps out) Ha!  
  
Ryan: Deal! (Kicks his coffin open, then rolls out the hole he made in the side, lands flat on his face, and springs to his feet) I'm okay!  
  
????: Sure you are.  
  
Ryan: Where'd he go?!  
  
????: (points down) Right there.  
  
Ryan: Whoa! He is a smurf! Cool! Mike-man, that has got to be the funniest thing I have ever seen!  
  
Mike: Hell yeah!  
  
Kain: Quit making fun of me, I am the Great Kain of Coorhagen! I'll smite you! (Pokes Mike in the knee)  
  
Mike: Ow! You little twirp-thing! I'd kill you, but I'd get my butt wiped out of this fic!  
  
Ryan: Loser.  
  
Kain: Explain, immediately, or face the wrath of the Iron Butter Knife!  
  
Mike: Well you see, Seph0201 wanted to keep you alive, since chances are you'd get your chibi ass sliced a good deal of times. And then he made us Vampires, cool huh?  
  
Kain: You actually wanted to suffer this curse?  
  
Ryan: I never liked being human.  
  
Kain: Why not?  
  
Ryan: Because now they'll never let me near a school! HAHA!  
  
Mike: Time to explain the combat system.  
  
Kain: Combat system?  
  
Mike: Yeah. Ryan uses the items we find during our quest, and I get the magic. Kain, you know what you are.  
  
Kain: Uh... vertically challenged?  
Ryan: Dude, you're a damn midget.  
  
Mike: (mumbling) 2'4 dumbass.  
  
Kain: Huh? What did you, child?  
  
Mike: Drop the damn nobility act! You use the weapons, you twit!  
  
Kain: Don't wanna fight off hordes of demon's with a stick, do you?  
  
Ryan: That's beside the damn point!  
  
Kain: Explain.  
  
Mike: Dude, you're physical and spiritual strength is focused in your body. Since you're a damn smurf, your blood meter and magic meter are hella small.  
  
Kain: I needn't a strong body to destroy my enemies!  
  
Ryan: Yeah, you can just drop your pants.  
  
Kain: Respect me dammit!  
  
Mike: You wouldn't be able to hold a lot of item cards, either.  
  
Kain: Fine, we do it like this!  
  
Ryan: (singing) Onward Christian soldiers!  
  
Kain and Mike: (death glare him)  
  
Ryan: (confused) What? What did I do?  
  
Mike: Let's just go guys.  
  
In the first room  
  
Mike: Oh my God!   
  
Kain: (getting ready for a fight) Where?  
  
Ryan: (sees it too) Dear God.  
  
Kain: What the Hell is it?  
Mike: Flay.  
  
Kain: What?  
  
Ryan: The flay! Sweet, I can blow the crap out of people!  
  
Kain: Why can't I?  
  
Mike: I told you, you get the weapons, I get the magic, and he has an infinite amount of any item he finds.  
  
Kain: How the Hell does he get an infinite supply of items?  
  
Ryan: Because I have... (pulls a box out from behind his back) The Inventory of Darkness!  
  
Ryan Voice Over: Reputed to have mugged from the Legendary Janos Audron while he was helping some old lady cross a street, this item allows me to carry an infinite supply of, ironically, any item card I may find.  
  
Mike: Cool!  
  
Kain: At least you ain't got anything special!  
  
Mike: I have the... (pulls out a very large vial) Magic Meter of Darkness.  
  
Kain: Dammit! Why don't I have a belonging of Janos Audron?  
  
Ryan: 'Cuz you suck.  
  
Kain: Watch yourself! (Gets knocked over the head by a hovering spiked ball) Daddy went smack-smack!  
  
Ryan: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAH!!  
  
Mike: Jesus! Are you okay, Kain guy from distant Coorhagen?  
  
Kain: (staggering around drunkenly, and singing) Daddy went smack-smack, smack-smack on my head!  
  
Raziel: (runs in for no reason at all) Daddy, I love you!!  
  
Kain: (sobers up) Oh shit! Ryan, stop him!  
  
Raziel: Oh daddy, you're so cute as a chibi!  
Mike: Ryan, end this, now!   
  
Ryan: (slow-motion, draws a flay and throws it at Raziel) Die. (Echoes)  
  
Raziel: (gets hit, to no effect) Heehee, that tickled!  
  
Mike: !  
  
Kain: Damn!  
  
Ryan: Still alive! But how?  
  
Mike: What's the weapon's description?  
  
Ryan: I'll check... here!  
  
Ryan Voice Over: These funky things shoot little energy blasts that tears the skin off their bones.  
  
Raziel: That's funny, because I don't have any skin!  
  
Mike: Kain, it's all up to you.  
  
Kain: (draws his Iron Butter Knife) Let's see what you can do, little Razzzy-wazzy!  
  
Raziel: I told you, I'm a big boy!  
  
Kain: Yeah, and my Iron Armor fits. (The Iron Armor is actually normal size, and Kain poked eye holes through the stomach, he's wearing stilts so he can wear his boots, and instead of blood-red chain mail, he has red spandex) Now die! (Pokes Razzy-wazzy with the Iron Butter Knife)  
  
Raz: Ow, that hurt, so now, I'm gonna hurt you! (Starts to fight Kain, clearly winning)  
  
Mike: Crap. (Sees an item card) Hello, the group sanctuary. (Picks it up, and scribbles something on a notepad) Ryan, get over here.  
  
Ryan: Huh? (Walks next to Mike) What's up?  
  
Kain: Dammit, ow! OW I SAID!   
  
Raziel: Nyuk-nyuk! I'm winning.  
  
Kain: Crap!  
  
Mike: Regroup! Now, you fraking smurf!  
Kain: Alright already! (Hops next to them)  
  
Mike: (waves to Raziel, then drops the note) Bye-bye! (Uses group sanctuary)  
  
Raz: Huh? (Picks up the note) It says: Screw you, ball-less freak boy, we went to the Nemesis' fortress. Damn, how am I supposed to get to Stahlberg? (Runs out)  
  
In the first room  
  
Kain: (in a coffin with Mike and Ryan) Get the Hell off me!  
  
Mike: Screw the both of you, then get off me!  
  
Ryan: (on the top) Hee-hee, there's a picture of Umah taped onto the lid of this thing!  
  
[silence for a few seconds]  
  
Mike: Kain, are there any... 'disturbing' bodily fluids in this thing, cuz I'm on the bottom?  
  
Kain: (innocently) Not much.  
  
Mike: (freaked) OFF ME, BOTH OF YOU!!  
  
There's some shuffling and the sound of glass breaking, then-  
  
Ryan and Kain: (go flying out of the top) Whah!  
  
Mike: (jumps out, and runs around screaming) EWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEW~!! :( (stops for a second, then runs out of the room so fast he leaves an after image)  
  
Ryan: Should we look for him?  
  
Kain: I'm hungry! I wanna suck some blood!  
  
Ryan: Fine, time to eat.  
  
Kain: (smiling like a chibi) Yum, food! (Runs out with his legs motoring like a chibi)  
  
Ryan: Dido. (Same as Kain)  
  
Back in the next room  
  
Kain: Dear dark Gods!  
  
Kain V.O. : Mike, in his madness, had left none of the denizens whole. Fragments of their massacred corpses lay strewn across every surface.  
  
Ryan: (walks in with a blood mustache) Good feed, huh?  
  
Kain V.O.: Or rather, Ryan in his desperate hunger had left none whole.  
  
Ryan: Nope, Mike f**ked 'em up good, but he left one with 'RYAN' carved on her chest so I couldn't touch them.  
  
Kain: Did you think that he might of just left that so you could tell which was yours?  
  
Ryan: I guess I shouldn't of drunk the one with 'SMURF BOY' written on it, huh?  
  
Kain: Screw it, I'll survive going a bit without feeding.  
  
Tortured human in the distance: Please, help me kind sir... AHH...  
  
Mike's Voice: (Evil laugh) HAHAHHA! Suffer for an eternity, IN MY STOMACH!   
  
THUMP  
  
Mike's Voice: (Loud gasp) (incredibly high pitched) Damn spiked ball! You popped my testicle!  
  
Kain: We can catch up to him! (Chibi dashes, right into a green skeleton)  
  
Green Skeleton: (British accent) Well, I never!   
  
Ryan: Shouldn't you explode?  
  
Skeleton: What would ever make you think that? (Explodes, raining green crap down on the guys)  
  
Kain: Freaky. (Sees something) Hey, cool! A coffin! (Opens it, and a heart jumps out, freaking the Hel out of Kain) HOLY WAPPA!!  
  
Ryan: (picks it up) Cool! (Smashes it open on a wall, and the goo gets sucked into the 'Inventory of Darkness')  
  
Ryan Voice Over: Reputed to have been torn from the Chest of Darkness at the hands of that pussy ass Rziel when he was still human. Man, Janos was a sucker for Sarafan, first Raz, then the SL.   
  
Ryan: (joking, holding it out at arms reach) Look at this black heart, how still it beats!  
  
Kain: Hehheheh.  
  
Mike's Voice: Not funny!  
  
Kain: We gotta catch him!  
  
In the next room  
  
Grave Digger: Back, demon! Leave the child out of this!  
  
Kain: God dammit! (Gets an idea)  
  
Ryan: Screw you, I want the kid! Wait, that sounded gay! I mean... take the child, I care not for the life of one so small! (To himself) Damn, I am so cool!  
  
Grave Digger: Come here boy!   
  
Kain: (extends his arms) Pick me up!  
  
Grave Digger: Okey-dokey little cool guy. (Picks Kain up)  
  
Kain: Perish, mortal! (Bites into his throat)  
  
Grave Digger: No baby, no! (Dies, but still stands)  
  
Kain: (hanging by the guys neck, teeth still embedded)  
  
Ryan: You're stuck, aren't you?  
  
Kain: (muffled) Mwo! Mwo hy ham mot!  
  
Ryan: Did you just say: "Damn! This man is hot?"  
  
Kain: Mwo hy hid hot!  
  
Ryan: And that my backside is hot?  
  
Kain: Hammit! (Kicks off the guy, tearing his head off)  
  
Ryan: Does the baby want to take a nap?  
  
Kain: Hashhole! (Spits the guy's head away) Asshole!  
  
Mike's Voice:So Bounty Hunter, are you here to catch me... or kill me?  
  
Ryan: No references from other games!  
  
Mike's Voice: (echoing laughter)  
  
Ryan: That counts you freak!  
  
Kain: Well, I'm full. Let's catch Mike!  
  
The next room  
  
Skeletons and spiked balls are circling the room, and a room branching off the right.  
  
Kain: (sees a blood vial and the rune pyramid) Cool! You guys are a couple hundred years old, right?  
  
Ryan: Are you calling me an old man?  
  
Kain: So you two don't need those? (Points to them)  
  
Ryan: Sure, just be careful. I'm going to check out that room.  
  
Kain: Sweet. (Pokes any skeleton that gets near, and dodges the balls until he gets to the blood vial) Victory!  
  
Kain Voice Over: This little baby lets me hold more blood, so I can get hit more.  
  
Kain: Awesome!  
  
Ryan: Hey Kain, I found the save point.  
  
Kain: Cool, save our data.  
  
Ryan: Got it. (places his hand on it, and a menu pops up) Let's see, save to slot one... good, memory isn't all taken... saving... do I wish to continue..? Hey Kain, do we want to continue?  
  
Kain: Huh? (Gets smacked in the head) Dammit! What do you want?  
  
Ryan: Do we want to continue?  
  
Kain: Is the chapter done?  
  
Ryan: No.  
  
Kain: Yes, we want to continue.  
  
Ryan: Yes.  
  
Game has been saved. Have a nice day.  
  
Ryan: Thank you!  
  
Kain: (reaches the Rune Pyramid) Sweet. (Absorbs it)  
  
Kain VO: This item let me use more magic before I tire out. Too bad Mike was the only person with the ability to use magic.  
  
Kain: Son of a bitch!  
  
Ryan: C'mon!  
  
Next room, actually a hallway.  
  
Kain: What the hell do we do?  
  
Ryan: We could jump it.  
  
Kain: I can't! I'm a Playstation chibi character who is a parody of an actual character.  
  
Ryan: (looks at the three switches on the wall, three feet between them each) Then we have to figure this out.  
  
Kain: What the Hell are we expected to do?  
  
Ryan: I think we have to push them.  
  
Kain: (walks over, shakily) He-he-here goes no-nothing... (pushes a switch, and gets so freaked when it lights up he jumps into Ryan's arms and holds him) Please, hold me!  
  
Ryan: (face turning blue) I can't breath! (Staggers around in pain, and trips onto a switch. The path clears)  
  
Kain: (jumps off with a chibi smile) Thank you! (Runs down to a human, stabs him in the neck while he tries to hug him, then runs into the next room)  
  
Ryan: (drinks his blood from fifty feet away) Such a wasteful child. Why the hell do I only say cool things when I'm all alone?  
  
Next room  
  
Mike: Took you long enough. It's raining.  
Kain: So?  
  
Ryan: It burns like acid when it touches us.  
  
Mike: C'mon man. (Walks outside)  
  
Kain: I hope there are some hot women with dresses on. Heheh.   
  
Ryan: Sick little chibi.  
  
Outside  
  
Grave Digger2: I buried you once, so I'm betting I can kill you!  
  
Ryan: Try us! (Jumps him) (I meant what I wrote)  
  
Kain: Vae Victus! (Runs at him)  
  
Mike: (teleports three feet again and again and again etc)  
  
Guy: Crap! (Gets dragged down by all three and gets his blood sucked) POOPY!  
  
Mike: Look- (points to a building in the distance) another mausoleum. Cool.  
  
Kain: Yeah! More blood vial's!  
  
Ryan: More save points!  
  
Kain and Mike: (death glare)  
  
Ryan: What? She has a sexy voice!  
  
Kain: (rain gets in the back of his armor) AHH! The water is getting in my armor! It burns!  
  
Sebastion: (appears) No quoting my lines! (Kicks chibi Kain in the nuts)  
  
Kain: Oof!  
  
Mike: Come on, you can't beat up on the main character!  
  
Sebastion: Why not?  
  
Ryan: The consequences. Flay! (Throws it at him)  
  
Sebastion: AHH!! (disappears while being stripped of skin)  
  
Mike: Onto the next!  
  
The guys make it to the next building, while ducking under trees. Once inside, Ryan tries to ask the automated voice of the save point to go on a date, Mike disembowels innocent people, and Kain gets his blood vial, while looking up a punished woman's dress, them got his magic rune. They horribly killed a lot of people, and spend a half hour in front of a puzzle.  
  
Mike: I don't get it! We pressed all the buttons and it still won't open!  
  
Kain: There's gotta be a trick to it.  
  
Ryan: There's gotta be another blond down the hall. ^.-  
  
Kain and Mike: (glare at him)  
  
Ryan: What the hell did I do this time?  
  
Mike: I have it! (Picks up a rock and throws it at a switch. It depresses and the hall opened) Joy.  
  
The guys continued down, Ryan getting disappointed cuz there was no blond. Haha! And they exited the building, coming to a path in the woods.  
  
Mike: Something important is going to happen here.  
  
Kain: How can you tell?  
  
Mike: No clue.  
  
They come across a group of brigands, twelve in total.  
  
Brigand 1: Hey guys, let's molest that kid!  
  
Kain: Hell no! Attack!  
  
The bandits break into three groups, four each.  
  
Ryan: Let's go. (Flays them one by one)  
  
Mike: (claws them to death, BO2 style, while yelling 'who's your daddy')  
  
Kain: (stabs them in the balls and drinks their blood)  
  
Mike: Freaking easy.  
The team continues, and come across a sign reading Ziegsturhl.  
  
Kain VO: The village where that old lady killed me. I was gonna enjoy killing the lot of 'em.  
  
Old Lady: (sees Kain) Oh, look at the little baby! (Bends down to pick Kain up)  
  
Kain: Vae Victus! (Stabs her in the neck)  
  
Old Lady: Why you little brat! I'll beat you all up!  
  
Ryan: Come get some, she bitch. (Flays her) Ew!  
  
Kain: Gross!  
  
Mike: I still can't fight back!  
  
End  
  
Author's Notes: Next time: Does Mike get a weapon? Does Ryan get a date? Does Ariel baby Kain? Find out, in the next chapter of Legacy of Chibi Kain! The next chapter will be good, cuz I'll be alone. Bastard isn't funny. Review, and tell me what to do! (It's hella easier that way)  
  
Seph0201: Well, I didn't piss Malek off to much, so I didn't get my ass kicked. I swear, the next chapter I'll get rid of Mike and Ryan. (Unless someone likes them) 


	3. That hot ghost

Disclaimer: I just sold my rights to Eidos. I now own nothing.  
  
Angel-chan - Should've known better. Malek saw to it that I won't try anything dumb again.  
  
Malek: (holding taser pike) Damn right you won't.  
  
Concept of a demon- Is that so? Well it sure as hell motivated me. Don't worry, Mike and Ryan aren't going anywhere. ^-^  
  
Plink- Thanks, I think. Yeah, the baby Kain thing is pretty cute.   
  
Malek: No acts of humanity! (Tases him)  
  
Gapadagapada! Dammit! Don't do that!  
  
OrpheumZero- Thanks man! Heheh... ½ an inch, you say?  
  
Alright then, on with the- (sees Malek getting ready) Fic!   
  
Malek: Damn!  
  
Loser! I said fic! Nya-nya!  
  
Malek: (tases him anyway)  
  
Gigigigigigiggigigigigiii!  
Blood Omen: The Legacy of Chibi Kain  
Chapter 3: That hot ghost  
[Ziegsturhl]  
  
The boys have just successfully avenged Kain's murder at the hands of some random old lady who thought he wanted to rape her. Kain now has his sights set on that Barkeep with the 11 clones (hopefully drowned clones by now).  
  
Barkeep: (cleaning out a glass) Damn communists, come in here saying 'Lord Ottmar claims this beer in the name of the Nemesis!' Damn fools, I can't wait until they get executed by Nemesis, right my friend?  
  
Nemesis: S.T.A.R.S...  
  
Barkeep: I hear you, that Valentine is hot alright.  
Suddenly, the door is knocked of it's hinges by three Vampires.  
  
Barkeep: Can I help you?  
  
Vamp1: Is this Vasserbunde?  
  
Barkeep: Bout a half hour past the Pillars.  
  
Vamp2: Dammit!  
  
Vamp3: We'll get there man. (Consoles the other one on his shoulder) We'll get there.  
  
Vamp1: Thanks for the help.  
  
Barkeep: No problem. (Watches them leave) Nice guys.  
  
Another three Vampires come in, smashing through the windows.  
  
Mike: Owowowowowow! I got a glass shard in my finger! Owowow! (Runs around in a circle crying like a baby)  
  
Kain: (grabs him, bends him down, and slaps him in the face) Dignity, you over sized baby!!  
  
Ryan: At least he isn't an undersized man.  
  
Kain: (turns to Ryan and growls, like a little baby pretending to be a dinosaur)  
  
Mike, Ryan and Barkeep: Aww...  
  
Kain: Dammit! I'm not cute! If you try that again, I'll slap you so hard you'll see...  
  
Nemesis: S.T.A.R.S...  
  
Kain: Right, you'll be seeing stars!  
  
Barkeep: That annoying nobleman voice... it's you!  
  
Mike: Yes, it is I!  
  
Kain: He was talking to me, you retard.  
  
Ryan: Freaking loser.  
  
Mike: I'll frak you up so hard...  
Barkeep: So you've come to take your revenge, smurf?  
  
Kain: (draws Iron Butter knife) I'll jab you from crotch to gizzard, and feed on what's left of your clones...  
  
Malek's Voice Off Set: You idiot!  
  
ZAP  
  
Author's Voice Off Set: Gipadagipadi!  
  
Kain: What the hell was that?  
  
Barkeep: You think you got what it takes, little man?  
  
Kain: (tossing Knife from hand to hand) Bring it ON!!  
  
Barkeep: Now!  
  
Rambo and Terminator: (jump up from behind the bar)  
  
Mike: 0-0!! Crap!! (dives for cover)  
  
Ryan: Flay! (Throws out twelve) ^.-  
  
Rambo: (shoots them out of midair)  
  
Ryan: 0-0! (Stands there stunned)  
  
Kain: (jumps in front of Ryan in slow-motion and deflects all the bullets coming for him with the Iron Butter Knife) Hurry, get away!  
  
Mike: (hiding) Fox wanna-be! Take this! (Throws a grenade behind the bar)  
  
Rambo: Shit, I should've stayed Rocky. (Gets blown up)  
  
Terminator: (gets caught in the explosion, and comes out a metal skeleton) Asta la vista, mother #%@&er. (Pulls out a minigun)  
  
Kain: Crud!  
  
Ryan: (still stunned) He shot them... my beautiful's...  
  
Mike: (gets an idea) Terminator joined STARS!  
Nemesis: STARS! ROAR! (Picks up Terminator and sticks a tentacle through him)  
  
Terminator: (opens fire on Nemesis)  
  
Nemesis: (gets torn into, and mutates into the one with about a hundred tentacles) Come get some, robobitch.   
  
Mike: Now! (Runs out)  
  
Kain: Coward! (Runs out after him)  
  
Ryan: (still stunned) Right out of midair...  
  
Outside  
  
Mike: Idiot's still inside.  
  
Kain: Should we get him?  
  
Mike: He's like Jacky Chan.  
  
Kain: High pitched voice?  
  
Mike: Yes, but he gets out of everything alive.  
  
BOOM  
  
The Bar is now no more that a crator, and all that remains in it, is a black with soot Ryan.  
  
Ryan: My babies...  
  
Kain: Holy crap! How d'he survive that?  
  
Mike: The blood of a daredevil runs in his veins.  
  
Ryan: (snaps out) I'll kill those bastards for hurting my flays! (Look's around) What..?  
  
Mike: You did it again.  
  
Kain: AGAIN?!  
  
Ryan: Dammit, I hate it when I space out like that.  
  
Kain: You do that often?  
Ryan: All the time.  
  
Kain: (sighs angrily) Alright them, we're off to the Pillars of Nosgoth.  
  
Mortanius' Voice: That old lady was just the hand of your murder. Seek the Pillars, Kain.  
  
Kain: Already on my way.  
  
Morty: Really?  
  
Mike: Yeah, you should really keep pace, old man.  
  
Morty: I am not an old man, and dammit Seph, quit calling me Morty!  
  
You got a better abbreviation for your name?  
  
Morty: Malek, you know what to do.  
  
Crud.  
  
ZAP  
  
Gabadigigabadigo!  
  
Mortanius: So you're on your way to the Pillars?  
  
Ryan: After we loot the village, yeah.  
  
Mortanius: Carry on.  
  
Kain: Carry on... who does he think he is?  
  
Mike: The most powerful sorcerer on Nosgoth?  
  
Kain: Point taken. To the Pillars... after we devastate the village.  
  
Ryan: Maim... pain... DESTRUCTION!!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!! (goes on a rampage, murdering people, burning houses and the like)  
  
Mike: Wait for me! (Runs into a house, and the widows are splashed red)  
  
Kain: When in Rome. (Draws the knife) Vae Victus! (Runs into a house)  
  
Mother: Please good sir... please don't hurt my family!  
Kain: (thinks about it) To bad.   
  
Mother: (opens her eyes) Oh, it's just a little baby.  
  
Kain: (mumbling) Damn lovable form.  
  
Mother: Oh come here!  
  
Kain: Damn you! (Kills her and drinks her blood)  
  
Girl in bed: (snoring)  
  
Kain: Die! (Swings his knife, and misses) Huh? Dammit, die! (Swings again and again, to no effect) What the hell? I'll just blood suck you! (Sucks her blood) Huh? Alright, midnight madness for me!  
  
Mike's Voice: Call your dogs, they can feast on your corpses!  
  
Dog: Grrrr, woof woof!  
  
Mike's Voice: Ow! Your damn dog bit me! I'll sue!  
  
Dog: Grrr...  
  
Mike's Voice: Growl this!  
  
[Slashing noise]  
  
Dog: (whimpering)  
  
Kain: I'm missing all the action! (Runs outside)  
  
Ryan: (feeding on a girl)  
  
Mike: Hey, all the buildings are collapsed except for the one you just came out of.  
  
House collapses  
  
Ryan: (discards body) Guess you screwed up there, huh? (Chibi grin) ^-^  
  
Kain: I'm the most manly guy in the group, (watches Ryan grin like an idiot, then chase a butterfly, then Mike prance around) and I'm the damn chibi. Aw well. ^-^  
  
Mike: (hopping around on one foot) Owowowowow! I got a freaking sliver in my toe! Ouchouchouch!  
  
Ryan: Pretty butterfly! ^-^  
  
Kain: -.- Let's go to the Pillars.  
  
Mike: (pulls it out) Victory! (So happy he jumps as high as he can, and lands on a nail) o.o (looks down) Damn, (pulls his foot off) it went right through. Huh.  
  
Ryan: (butterfly wings sticking out of his mouth, then get sucked in, and he swallows) Mike, why is it that you always act like a sissy when it barely stings, but don't even notice actual pain?  
  
Mike: Something from my humanity.  
  
Kain: TO THE PILLARS I SAID!!!  
  
Mike and Ryan: (beside him in an instant) Yes sir!  
  
Mike: (fake Russian accent) Comrade.  
  
Kain: ? What the hell was that?  
  
Ryan: He does accents all the time.  
  
Mike: (walking out of town, stops by a bridge) Kain.  
  
Kain: Raziel!  
  
Ryan: (flipping out) Where?!  
  
Notice the line's from SR?  
  
Mike: Water scorches Vampire flesh like acid. Immersion in water, is fatal.  
  
Kain: Who do you think you are? Umah?  
  
Mike: (high voice) Oh Kain, I love you but I'm gonna steal your only hope for victory. I hope you aren't too miffed.  
  
Ryan: ^-^ You sound just like her, Mike-kun.  
  
Mike: (throws Ryan into the river) Dammit, quit talking like Goten!  
  
Kain: Let's go already! (Chibi races out of town into the forest)  
  
Ryan: Help! Help it burns!  
  
Mike: The river's dry, you idiot.  
  
Ryan: (hops onto the bridge, and puts on a hurt chibi face) Why are you so mean, Mike-kun?  
  
Mike: (throws him back in) I warned you. (Teleports after Kain)  
  
With Kain  
  
Kain: (hiding behind a shrub, watching a group of brigands) They won't know what hit 'em.  
  
Mike: (appears behind Kain, right in the open) Hey, Kain!  
  
Brigand1: (points to Mike) Kill him!  
  
Mike: Wait!!   
  
Brigands: (stop a foot from them)  
  
Random Brigand: Well?  
  
Mike: Umm... (thinks for an instant) Can you do this? (Flicks his thumb from his index, lighting it on fire)  
  
Brigands: (try in various ways to do it)  
  
Kain: (whispering to Mike) Any ideas?  
  
Mike: (fake smile) Let Ryan handle them.  
  
Ryan's Voice: Kain-kun! Mike-kun! (Walks around the bend, and chibi smiles, again)   
  
Ryan: Hey Mike!  
  
Mike: Attack! (Jabs a brigand in the eye with his thumb)  
  
Brigand: (running around with his eye on fire) It burns! (Runs into a tree and knocks himself out)  
  
Kain: Face the wrath of my- (draws his blade) Butter Knife!  
  
Brigand: (starts laughing)  
  
Kain: Vae Victus! (Stabs his foot, and chases him around waving the knife around like a chibi) Yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi!  
Ryan: Flay! (Throws one, but it curves around a thief and hits Mike in the butt)  
  
Mike: OW!!! You idiot, hit them, not me!  
  
Ryan: Sorry! (Scratches the back of his head, then throws another one. It actually hits it's mark) Woohoo!  
  
Kain: Yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi-(still chasing the man around)  
  
Brigand: Doof! (Trips and buries his head into the dirt)  
  
Kain: Ah! (Trips over him, and takes a whole group down) Whoops... @-@  
  
Mike: (does it again, and a flamethrower magically appears in his hands) Burn baby, burn! (Flames a lot of people)  
  
Flaming homosexua- er... Brigands: Ow! (Run around in pain, then stop and sing) Disco inferno!  
  
Mike: (anime sweat drop) Just die. (Flames them again)  
  
Brigands: Aaaahhhh!!! (die)  
  
Ryan: (slaps one, then tears his throat out) Yummy. (Pats his belly, and chibi smiles. It looks strange because of the blood dripping down his lips)  
  
Kain: (sits up, shakes his head to get his senses back, and gets up) Where the hell did they go?  
  
Mike: (shrugs, and continues walking with the group)  
  
Behind the tipped over cart is a dozen felled baindit's  
  
Kain: (sees a sign) Hello. (Reads it) Look up to see the Pillars of Nosgoth.  
  
The team: (Looks up and sees the Pillars of Nosgoth) Ooh.  
  
Pillars: Damn right.  
  
Mike: You hear something?  
  
Ryan: Nope. (Continues walking)  
  
Mike: (shrugs, and walks up to Kain, who stopped) What?  
  
Kain: What the hell is that?  
Mike: (sees the teleporter) Teleporter.  
  
Ryan: Should bring us to the Pillars.  
  
Kain: (steps through)  
  
Ryan: (follows)  
  
Mike: (looks around, makes sure no one is listening, and farts) God, yes. (Walks through)  
  
THE PILLARS OF NOSGOTH  
  
Ariel: Nupraptor, in your blind act of vengeance, you have doomed us all.  
  
Mike: And by saying that Paladin's Lament blows monkey pole, I'll kill you.  
  
Ariel: (turns to them) Uh-oh.  
  
Mike: Uh-oh is right, you uh-ho!  
  
Ariel: Hey!  
  
Ryan: Weak.  
  
Mike: Aw, c'mon!  
  
Kain: (shakes his head) Dude.  
  
Mike: Nevertheless, I'll kill you with my bare hands, specter! (Runs up to Ariel and tries to choke her) Damn insubstantial ho!  
  
Ariel: I'm only insubstantial because I feel like it, jerk!  
  
Ryan: Burn!  
  
Mike: An you're a ho, why?  
  
Kain: Oh! Burn and a half!  
  
Ariel: (slaps Mike off of the Pillar's platform) Man-ho!  
  
Kain: Tough lady.  
  
Ariel: (sees Kain) Oh, the cute little baby. ^-^  
Kain: Dammit woman!  
  
Ariel: Do you want me to hug you close to my breast's?  
  
Kain: (evil grin, runs over to her and gets picked up) Heheh...  
  
Ariel: You two!  
  
Mike and Ryan: (act innocent)  
  
Ariel: If you're here, where's Kain?  
  
Mike: Trying to sleep in your dirty pillows.  
  
Ariel: What?  
  
Ryan: Morty cursed him.  
  
Ariel: Pervert! (Throws Kain away)  
  
Kain: Hey! (Picks himself up) You invited me, spirit!  
  
Ariel: I'll haunt you for that.  
  
Kain: Not unless I become a Pillar, and not just a Guardian.  
  
Mike: Burn!  
  
Ariel: (to Mike) Shut the hell up, you little turd eater!!  
  
Ryan: Someone still has her menstrual cramps.  
  
Kain: Enough! I seek a cure, and Morty told me to seek one here.  
  
Ariel: So Kain, ou seek to be free of the curse of Vampirism.  
  
Kain: $#%@ Vampirism. I want ti be free of Morty's curse of Smurfiness!  
  
Ariel: Smurfiness? You can't just make word's up Kain.  
  
Kain: Watch me. Gagadoodle, smackwacker, bushbasher, Bush supporter-  
  
Mike: Kain! The man is president!  
  
Kain: - Chretien supporter-  
  
Mike and Ryan: HEY!  
  
Kain: Ariel's best friend-  
  
Ariel: HEY!  
  
Kain: Mike and Ryan's brains-  
  
Mike: Can't argue.  
  
Ryan: We would if we had brains.  
  
Kain: -bloodsicles and finally, my favorite, Janos Audron's girlfriend.  
  
Mike: To say the least, I'm frazzled.  
  
Kain: And gay.  
  
Mike: And g- hey! Watch it mini-fruit.  
  
Ariel: Burn!  
  
Kain: Don't you get started!  
  
Mike: You don't really come off as intimidating. (Crouches down to look him in the eye) I wonder why?!  
  
Kain: (slaps him) Nor do you, pussy boy.  
  
Ryan: ^-^ You two are so funny! ^-^  
  
Ariel: How do you guys do that? Mine always come out like 6-6 or .-, dammit!  
  
Mike: Use shift.  
  
Ariel: ^-^ It works!  
  
Kain: The cure, woman-ghost!  
  
Ariel: Aren't we mean? ^.-  
  
Kain: You've over used it already!  
  
Ryan: ^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^!!!!  
  
Mike: (slaps him)  
  
Kain: Now!  
  
Ariel: My lover, the Mentalist Nupraptor went mad at my murder, and corrupted the Circle, believing the assailant to be a Guardian. Perhaps you've heard of him?  
  
Mike: The keg king of Nosgoth, the greatest party animal to have ever lived.  
  
Ryan: And our greatest benefactor.  
  
Ariel: He hated Vampire's, how did he help you?!  
  
Mike: After he broke down, we robbed him blind.  
  
Ryan: Him sowing his eye's shut was an act of self loathing, not passion.  
  
Ariel: And the lips?  
  
Mike: Moebius moved in on him.  
  
Ryan: Which is also why he sowed his butt shut. Heehee, I rhymed! ^-^  
  
Kain: Nast-tacular!  
  
Ariel: Kill him to cleanse the Pillar of the mind, and a small portion of your curse.  
  
Kain: How small?  
  
Ariel: ½ and inch per Guardian, and full healing after cleansing the Pillars.  
  
Kain: D'OH!!  
  
End   
  
Author's Note: Plot twist grace a OrpheumZero. Review, please! Oh, and if you have any mean suggestions, send them in. That way, Malek won't tase me.  
  
Malek: Oh, you'll slip eventually. (Poised to tase)  
  
Help. 


	4. Damn that first born lieutenant

Disclaimer: I don't own this fic, I don't own the games, so leave me the Hell alone!! (sobbing)  
  
Raziel: Tyew tyew tyew!  
  
Oh shut up.  
  
Alright, thank you for the reviews, all of you.  
  
Angel-chan- Still sorry about that... I'm pretty sure I'm gonna need some of that white powder by the end of the chapter. Wink wink. Bet your parents are nice people.  
  
OrpheumZero- No problem. Oh you had better, I'm dry. Well, after the Raz idea Ryan made. Heh Heh. ~_^  
  
Deionarra: Yeah, I loved that one too. Still downloading, are you? ~.-  
  
Concept of a demon- Wish you well. I guess I should take that as one hell of a compliment, huh? Probably better by now. I'm seriously jet legging.  
  
Unknown- I'm that good, huh? Well don't expect the real dialogue.  
  
THANK THE LOT OF YOU!! ^-^  
  
Malek: *ahem*  
  
Onto the fic. (Mutters) Loser.  
  
Malek: (tases him, yet again)  
  
CCCCCCRRRRRRRAPPP!!!!! CRAPYWAPYLAPY!  
  
Gimme suggestions  
  
Blood Omen: The Legacy of Chibi Kain  
Chapter4: Damn that first born lieutenant  
  
[where we left off, the Pillars]  
  
Kain: (still doing it) D'OH!!  
  
Ryan: It could be worse, you could shrink, Kain-kun.  
  
Mike: (slaps Ryan) No chibi shit!  
  
Kain: True. Onward, to Vasserbunde, the once renown party town!  
  
Ryan: Got bled dry of booze, after we robbed Nut-grabber.  
  
Kain: Nut-grabber? Who the hell do you call 'Nut-grabber'?  
  
Mike: That's what he calls Nut-rupture.  
  
Kain: (quirks an eyebrow) Nut-rupture? Who the HELL are you talking about?  
  
Ariel: They're making fun of my ex, you dumbass chibi!  
  
Kain: You had a boyfriend? What kind of desperate freak would go out with a half-faced ghost?  
  
Ariel: He was my ex when I was alive, you idiot!  
  
Kain: (goes from pale to tanned) People who die can turn to ghosts?  
  
Ariel: Uh-huh.  
  
Kain: EeeeeAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! (runs like a terrified chibi)  
  
Mike: Whoa, what scared the little guy so much?  
  
Ariel: He found out that you become a ghost after you die.  
  
Mike: Oh.  
  
Ryan: (turns plaid) WHATCHASAYGHOSTFROMMANNOTGOODDON'TWANNABEAGHOSTGOTTARUNFROMARIEL!!!!!!!!! (chases after Kain)  
  
Mike: Excuse them. I'll leave now.  
  
Ariel: Oh yes, you will.  
  
Mike: Heheh... hoo... Bye then! (Dashes after them)  
  
BREAK TIME  
  
[insert theme 'Let's get this party started' by Korn]  
  
God I love that song  
  
Malek: No screwing around! (Tases him)  
  
OW!! Cut that out!  
  
Malek: Bow me. (Smashes the shaft over his head)  
Oof, (falls onto one knee) Don't make me hurt you, Onikage style. (Pronounced Own-e-cog-a) (I think so anyway, any Tenchu fans, tell me if I'm wrong)   
  
Malek: You're going to rip my only khaki's?  
  
That's it, no one disrespects the only asshole to survive three Tenchu games! (Starts laying into him, only using his legs) I love it! I love it!  
  
Malek: Ow, oof, frig, crap, that hurt, quit sapping my health! OW! (Breaks apart, then gets back up) You... are... SCREWED!!! (glows evilly and forms energy balls in his hands)  
  
Son-of-a-  
  
[back in the story]  
  
Kain: (now calmed, standing in front of the 'Light Shrine') I wonder if there's a cool spell in here...  
  
BITCH!!!  
  
Mike: What the hell was that?!  
  
Ryan: Dude, he sounded pissed!  
  
Kain: Someone's screwing with the author?  
  
Mike: Undoubtedly, but it's probably M-boy again.  
  
Ryan: Cool shrine.  
  
Mike: I hope that it's something for me.  
  
Kain: I wonder what that bat card was earlier.  
  
Ryan: You missed an ability card?!  
  
Kain: You guys missed it too!  
  
Mike: He's right, you know.  
  
Ryan: Fine, let's get that card.  
  
AT THE BAT beacon. I mut BE annoying you BY KnoW.  
  
Mike: Three card's? Strange, ut they seem to make a picture.  
  
Kain: (takes the middle one) What's this one?  
  
Kain VO: The bat body form. It allows me to be carried a great distance by the two wing cards. Ironically our body breaks into tiny bats, making this totally irrelevant.  
  
Mike: I'll take the right wing. (Snags it)  
  
Mike VO: The right wing of the bat form. Along with the two other forms, it can allow me to carry Kain a great distance. Life blows, and then you fly.  
  
Ryan: I wonder what this one is.   
  
Mike: Three cards, one a body, and one the right wing. I really wonder.  
  
Ryan VO: Cool! It's a bat wing, I wonder what it does.  
  
Mike VO: Read it from the script, you illiterate ass humper!  
  
Ryan: Don't be mean, Mike-kun!  
  
Slapping sound  
  
Kain VO: Just read your line!  
  
Ryan VO: Which one?  
  
Mike: (scratches the back of his head and stretches)  
  
Kain: (lights up a smoke and pulls out a book entitled 'How to pick up chicks if you're a smurf for dummies. For dummies edition')  
  
Ryan: (staring at blank space, drool hanging from one end of his mouth)  
  
Mike VO: No you idiot, that's my line! Read the goddamn one with RYAN WRITTEN NEXT TO IT ALREADY!!!  
  
Ryan VO: Why are you mean, Mike-kun?  
  
Mike VO: Screw. Screw you, screw Kain, screw the author, screw Malek, SCREW THE LOT OF YOU! I quit! (Walks out, but you can't see it)  
  
Ryan VO: You mean the one where I talk about the bat wing?  
  
Kain VO: It's too late. I guess I'll read his lines.  
  
Mike: Crap.  
  
Ryan VO: The left wing of the bat form. I can fly like a birdie!  
  
Kain: Good. Let's try it.  
  
All three: Mighty Morphin' bat form! (Break into a group of bat's, and fly to the Pillars)  
  
at the Pillars  
  
Ariel: (consoling the other Mike, from The Misadventures of Unit FOXHOUND) There there, just let it out.  
  
Mike2: And they asked me to read a script for a Mike from another dimension, and it went fine, until... I met 'him'.  
  
Ariel: Him?  
  
Mike: The other Ryan, from the Dragon Ball universe. He is the one stupidest a-hole I ever met. Look at me! I'm toting guns to the max, and an infinite ammo key chain! I'm going home.  
  
Ariel: All right. (About to press a button on the Pillars)  
  
Mike: Wait!  
  
Mike2: Oh, great. Me.  
  
Ryan: Me too, Mike2-kun.  
  
Mike2: I can't handle it! (Drops to his knees and smashes his head off of the ground) AARG!! (draws a FAMAS rifle and blows Ryan off his feet)  
  
Ryan: (Get's up) Dude, you have to bleed me dry to kill me with that gun.  
  
Ariel: Stop! You'll tear a hole in space.  
  
Kain: What's going on?  
  
Mike: All of us author's have several forms, depending on the fic. The Pillars lock all of the universes together. It's the doorway to the infinite.  
  
Kain: If it would be destroyed?  
  
Mike: The greatest crossover of all time.  
  
I don't mean greatest as in best, but the biggest  
  
Mike2: Damn you! (Drops the gun and pulls out a Katana) Have at you! (Flips a bunch of times and lands beside him) Shineh. (Die)  
  
Ryan: Whoa! (Dodges decapitation)  
  
Mike: I have an idea. To the light shrine!  
  
At the Light Shrine  
  
Kain: And the plan is? (He's been saying it the whole time)  
  
Mike: I don't have a plan. I hate Ryan, and I love spells.  
  
Kain: You realize you're a jackass?  
  
Mike: You realize you're a smurf?  
  
Strange Voice: Tyew, tyew-tyew tyew!  
  
Mike: The hell? (Him and Kain look around, trying to find the source of the noise)  
  
Kain: God, no!   
  
Raziel: (pretending to force projectile them) Tyew tyew, tyew, tyew. Tyew tyew tyew tyew tyew-tyew!  
  
Kain and Mike: (blank faces, completely annoyed)  
  
Raz: Tyew tyew tyew.  
  
Mike: Let's just go.  
  
Deeper in the Shrine.  
  
Mike: All right, we have to press those switches and kill those zombies. Ready?  
  
Kain: Yup. Vae Victus! (Charges a zombie, but get's knocked off of his feet as it explodes. Some strange beam hitting it) Whoa!  
  
Mike: Kain, get down!  
  
Kain: Huh? (Looks to the source of the blast, but can't see it in the gloom) One white and one yellow glowing orb?  
  
Orbs: (disappear)  
  
Mike: Freaky. (scopes out the area, then presses the switches) Come on, the door is open.  
  
Kain: Freaky eyes. Where do I know them from?  
  
Mike: C'mon!  
  
Kain: Wait up! (Runs after him)  
  
In the final room.  
  
Kain VO: (impersonating Mike VO horribly) Der it wuz, da light spell thingy.  
  
Mike: I am not a hillbilly, you damn voice.  
  
Kain VO: Then what the hell are you?  
  
Mike: Doesn't matter what I am. But what I will be, however...  
  
Kain: Mike, you okay?  
  
Mike: I'm fine. (Snaps out of it and smiles) Sorry bout that. (Gets the spell card)  
  
All: (waiting for a voice over)  
  
Mike: Hell with it. This baby let's me light up rooms without being hurt. Totally useless.  
  
Kain: Happy?  
  
Mike: Yup. Let's go save Ryan!  
  
Kain: But you said-  
  
Mike: I lied.  
  
At the Pillars. My ribs hurt.  
  
Mike2: Damn! (Drops the grenade gun and pulls out the rocket launcher)  
  
Back at the Shrine, near the exit  
  
Raziel: (the glowing orbs) Tyew tyew tyew, tyew tyew tyew!!  
  
Mike: Damn, still here!  
  
Kain: (draws the knife) I'll have him in pieces!  
  
Mike: I have a plan. First step: Run like Hell! (I hate that game)  
  
Kain: (running) Why are we running?  
  
Mike: You'll see!  
  
Once they clear it by fifteen feet  
  
Mike: Take this. (Starts to glow, then fires Kain's Lightning spell, tearing out the supports and tearing down walls)  
  
Shrine collapses, crushing Raz  
  
Kain: Safe!  
  
Mike: For the moment. (In heroic voice) To the Pillars!  
  
At the Pillars  
  
Ryan: Harg! (Lands hard)  
  
Mike2: (bleeding from gashes on his stomach and above his eye) Heheh... tiring?  
  
Mike: You!  
  
Mike2: Heh. (Stands straight) I'm back. What'cha got?  
  
Mike: This! Taioken! (Uses light at point blank range, blinding him)  
  
Mike2: No! (Drops onto his knees) I'm blinded!  
  
Mike: Now!  
  
Raz: Tyew, tyew-(accidently fires, knocking Mike2 into the Balance Pillar)  
  
Kain: Now!  
  
Ariel: (dramatically presses the button on the Pillar of Balance, sucking Mike2 back into his own world) Die. (Echoes)  
  
Mike: (starting to get sucked in too) Turn it off already.  
  
Ariel: (laughs nervously) That's kind of... tricky. Only Moebius knows how to do that.  
  
Mike: (really nervous) Don't play around like that. (Gets sucked closer)  
  
Ariel: I'm not.  
  
Mike: Oh, FRIG! (Gets hit by a thunder bolt in the chest, and gets sucked in) I hate you Bruce Campbell!   
  
Ryan: Dude! He's gone!  
  
Kain: What happened?  
  
Ariel: Find out that, and much more, in the next episode of-  
  
All: The Legacy of Chibi Kain!  
  
Mike's Voice: Assholes!  
  
END  
  
[The Unforgiven]  
  
AN: Well, Mike's screwed, and why was he acting so strange? And did I just cross both Mike's over? Yup. I'm probably going to have a different dimension Mike hop in to replace him in every chap. I'll take any suggestion. DBZ Mike, Tenchu Mike, FF7 Mike, Resident Evil Mike, whatever. Tell me what you want me to do, and I'll do it. I love you all! For I am  
  
CANADIAN!  
  
Seph0201- Proud owner of CAP wear. Canadian, and proud.  
  
Seph: (in another stretcher) I'm thinking of not defending Onikage anymore.   
  
Paramedic: Want another respirator?  
  
Seph0201: Please. (Gets one, and gives all readers a tumbs up. Gives Reviewers a place in his fic)  
  
Oh yeah, after we kill Nupraptor I'm going to have the guys hold a kegger. Who wants to be a special guest star in my fic? 


	5. The new layout

Disclaimer: Oh yeah, I really own the Legacy of Kain. Hey, maybe I own Asia!  
  
Thank you all for the reviews!  
  
Blood Omen: The Legacy of Chibi Kain  
  
Chapter 5: Like I give a rats ass!  
  
Where we left off: Mike got sucked into another dimension. Kain and Ryan are on their own, and make their way to Steinchencroe, I hope that's how you spell it.  
  
On some dirt road.  
  
Ryan: I'm hungry.  
  
Kain: I'm bored...  
  
Ryan: I wanna kill someone...  
  
Kain: I wanna rule all of Nosgoth as its sole monarch.  
  
Ryan: Like that'll ever happen! (Sees a sing in the distance) Sweet, we made it!  
  
Random townsfolk: Best be on your way, stranger! There is danger further past!  
  
Kain: Like vampires?  
  
Random: Screw vampires! There having the annual chile cook off! The town's stench'll haunt the dead for years!  
  
Ryan: Really? I want to eat some chile! Then I'll get the khaki's, then I'll get laid!  
  
Kain: What the hell is the point on that? I'm the title character!  
  
Ryan: That's why I need the khaki's! When fangirls see you, they go 'Oh Kain! I'll have your child!' and when they see me 'Who the hell are you, another fic writer?' It's driving me nuts!  
  
Random Person: Then ye'll be joining the cook off? I'll have to start digging up another grave if this keeps up! Hahahahaha- (gets kicked in the knee by Kain) Ow!  
  
Kain: To the cook off!  
  
Ryan: (sarcastic) What would I do without you, Kain-sama? (To himself) Other than get laid...  
  
Kain: (wanders away) Yeah, yeah... do what you want.   
  
Kain finds his way to the raving old man.  
  
Psycho: Come, come vampire! I fear you not.  
  
Kain: It's because I'm a damn smurf, isn't it?  
  
Psycho: Well, yes and no. I wouldn't be afraid of you if you were a vampire, but I wouldn't want to hug you.  
  
Kain: What precisely are you making, old man?  
  
Psycho: You see, it's the strongest chili ever, and I need to test it on a non living creature to see the effects.  
  
Kain: What else am I gonna do? (Sits down) Spoon me your damn chili old man! I fear not!  
  
Psycho: (like Yoda) Oh, you will... you will...  
  
Kain: (quirks an eyebrow, and brandishes a ladle) Vae Victus! (Scoops some up and eats it, then staggers away in agony, clutching his stomach) What the hell did you put in that?  
  
Psycho: The mold that has been developing under my ass for the last fifteen years. I hardly had to boil it!  
  
Kain: Bloody murder! (Passes out)  
  
Somewhere else in town.   
  
Ryan: Let me get this straight. I help you win by surviving every other contestants clearly poisoned chili, and you make me a lifetime supply of it?  
  
Ned Flanders: Absapositively!  
  
Ryan: In english?  
  
Ned Flanders: Okelydokely!  
  
Ryan: In japanese?!  
  
Ned Flanders: (same crap, except in a different language)  
  
Ryan: In Nosgothic?  
  
Ned Flanders: Sorry, got me there.  
  
Ryan: (eating a big ass bowl of chili) Huh?  
  
Ned Flanders: Never mind, the competition is starting!  
  
Ryan: Say what?  
  
Ned Flanders: You want the chili, right?  
  
Ryan: We'll I hardly think I'd be standing next to you if I wasn't getting something out of it!  
  
Ned Flanders: Why would undead scourge want chili anyways?  
  
Ryan: To keep the fic running. (Mutters) Author's an asshole.  
  
Malek: (magically beside them) I hear you.  
  
My Voice on the wind: Hey..!  
  
Ryan: You hear that?  
  
Ned Flanders: Ooh, an angel! I'll get you a five alarm!  
  
Malek: (spoons some up and pours it into his helmet) Five alarm my ass! This isn't even rated as an alarm chili!  
  
Ned Flanders: I know!! I'm a failure!  
  
Voice outside: Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!  
  
Ryan: Bring out your dead?  
  
Ned Flanders: Ooh, that's you! We've been calling the contestants that for going on fifteen years.  
  
In another dimension  
  
Mike: (dodges a demon and hits it with purple lightning) Take that! (Drops on one knee and begins to pant) Damn, am I ever going to get out?  
  
Flower Lady: You chose to participate.  
  
Mike: (tersely) Not in front of the readers!  
  
Smelly town  
  
Seven different chefs, with a contestant each sit in a large semi circle, Ryan and Flanders on the very end, with a large crowd and a judge (Adolf Hitler).  
  
Hitler: We are ready, ya?  
  
All: Ya!  
  
Ryan: So, it is German!  
  
All: YA!  
  
Ned Flanders: Oopsidelydidly! I'm in the wrong country!  
  
All: Ya!  
  
Malek in the crowd: You can do it! Eat the freaking chili!  
  
Remember that? Rob Schneider? 'You can do it, bite his freaking head off'?  
  
Rob Schneider: You stole my line!  
  
Malek: You know, I use this spear for more than killing Vampires.  
  
Rob Schneider grabs Malek by the armor and goes down on him.  
  
Ryan: ... (twitches, cracking his neck)... shit...  
  
Ned Flanders: Homosexual carnality! That's a sin!  
  
Hitler: Ya, no!  
  
All: Ya, no!  
  
..?  
  
Ryan: ..?  
  
Robin Williams: (somehow on a stage) Whoa! Necrophilia going on here!  
  
All: Haha, ya!  
  
(Check the dictionary for necrophilia if you don't get it)  
  
Ryan: Corpse molester!  
  
(Asshole)  
  
Ryan: (grinning with pride)  
  
Hitler: Ready ladles!  
  
Groans and metal clinking are heard in the background.  
  
Hitler: Spoon chili, ya!  
  
All: Ya!  
  
Ryan: Yeah!  
  
Malek's Voice: Yes! YES!!!!  
  
All: Eww, ya!  
  
They spoon up chili, and work their way around the semicircle and eating everyone's chili. One by one they vomit out there guts, and scream in pain, except Ryan.  
  
Ryan: More. (Makes it over to the psycho) Gimme some chili, baby!  
  
Psycho: I warn you, you eat this, and you'll end up like that.  
  
He gestures to a drunken, staggering Kain, wearing his metal briefs on his head, with toilet paper binoculars.  
  
Ryan: Really!? Gimme some, NOW!!  
  
All: Now, ya!  
  
Hitler: Ooh, give me some of that!  
  
Malek: (leans up, wearing Rob's t-shirt) Wait your turn!  
  
Ryan: I can see the rainbow! (Passes out)  
  
Somewhere else  
  
A portal opens, and a figure with a Desert Eagle .50 and a bio-hazard suit.  
  
????: (wearing a gas mask) He's near...  
  
Waldo: You found me!  
  
????: (shoots him) Next up, the energizer bunny, and a vampire smurf.  
  
Back in Smelly town, the following day  
  
Ryan: (wakes up in bed with a hot brunette) Sweet Jesus and the baby Mary!  
  
Malek: (wakes up in bed with Hitler and Rob Schneider) Sweet Buddha and his daughter Mary-Jane.  
  
Kain: (wakes up in bed with Chibi Umah) This makes no sense, she isn't even born yet.  
  
???? drops onto a rafter and aims his gun at Kain's bed.  
  
Kain: AAAAAHHHH!!!  
  
All in the Village: YA!  
  
BAM-BAM!!  
  
Kain: Oh my God! You killed Umah!  
  
Ryan: You bastard!  
  
???? drops down to ground level, scaring off the brunette and celebrities.  
  
Malek: You scared off my bitches!  
  
Ryan: Mine too!  
  
Kain: Who are you?  
  
???? pulls off the mask to reveal-  
  
All 3: Mike!!  
  
All others: Ya!  
  
Resident Evil Mike: One Vampire smurf down. Mission complete.  
  
[Dumah's theme]  
  
Dumah walks in the door. Sees chibi Kain, dead Umah, the guy with the magnum, the floating armor and God's best friend.  
  
Ned Flanders: Hydelyho!  
  
Dumah: (looks at the scene, looks at the homemade whiskey, then back a the scene and throws the bottle over his shoulder and leaves) (mumbling) Last time I take Zephon's homemade whiskey...  
  
Mike: I came to calm the unbalance in this universe. And to get laid.  
  
Ryan: Let us.  
  
Kain: I'm the title character! Pay attention to me! Dammit!   
  
Hitler: Ya!  
  
Kain: Die you little gay German shit! (Murders Adolf Hitler)  
  
Present Day  
  
Kain closes the novel.  
  
Kain: And that's what happened to Adolf Hitler.  
  
He's normal size.  
  
Rahab: You were telling us how you became the last Pillar Guardian, dad.  
  
Kain: Really?  
  
Dumah: So that's what happened.  
  
Mike: You should've seen the look on your face.   
  
It's the normal one, with a cloak, pale green skin and shoulder length black hair.  
  
Ryan: Shouldn't you tell them how Mike got back in Nosgoth?  
  
Grayish hard skin with a clan cloth draped down his shoulder and Dumah-esque hair.  
  
Kain: Next chapter.  
  
Raziel: (puts on black make up and looks in a mirror) I wonder why that monster had my name?  
  
Vorador: I didn't realize that Malek got it on with Hitler and two celeb's at once!  
  
Malek: Not one of my proudest moments.  
  
Janos: And why the hell is Malek at one of our meetings?  
  
George Bush: And why the hell am I here?!  
  
Kain: ... I didn't realize you were here. (Whispers Turel) Take him out.  
  
Turel: (get's Melchiah in a choke hold) Got him dad!  
  
Kain: Bush you dumbass!  
  
Melchiah: (is severed from his head) Hey! You're stitching it back on!  
  
Vorador: Let me. (Points to the exit) Osama Bin Laden!  
  
Bush: (pulls out a shotgun) C'mere you little Afkan #%$@!! (runs out)  
  
Rahab: My sowing kit would come in useful.  
  
Dumah: I'd like to know why a Vampire lord would even own a sowing kit.  
  
Rahab: (embarrassed) Shut up.  
  
Turel: Why are we even here?  
  
Kain: We're rehearsing a meeting.  
  
Ryan: Of a meeting.  
  
Mike: Of a meeting.  
  
Malek: Of a bachelor party.  
  
Vorador: Of a meeting.  
  
Janos: We're having a bachelor party for a meeting?  
  
Dumah: Who's the unlucky bastard?  
  
Ariel: Your father.  
  
All the Vampire's plus Malek give him a death glare.  
  
Dumah: Oh... yeah...  
  
Raziel: Ya!  
  
Zephon: (wearing mountain dew merchandise) Do the dew, ya. (Waves the flag and chug's a mountain dew: REALLY red)  
  
Maelchaih: Guys? My severed head? (Notices his body running out the door) Hey! Get back here!!  
  
Mike: I'll get it after South Park.  
  
Ryan: That's not til Wednesday.  
  
Mike: Meh.  
  
Turel: (reading one of Vorador's Playboys) Wow, this girl is turned on by cheese.  
  
Zephon: I'm turned on by Mountain Dew: REALLY red. Do the do, ya.  
  
Dumah: I'm turned on by women who let me bench press them.  
  
Melchiah: I'm turned on by women with whole body's.  
  
Raziel: (staring in a pocket mirror) I'm turned on by me.  
  
Rahab: I like educated women.  
  
Dumah: C'mon!  
  
Turel: Say it like a man, you pussy!  
  
Rahab: ... I'm turned on by smart bitches...  
  
Kain: (squeezing a stress ball) Just six more centuries, just six more centuries...  
  
Vorador: Was I that much trouble?  
  
Janos: I let most of the women take care of you. Didn't seem to want to let you go.  
  
Dumah: Ooh!! You are a God!  
  
Vorador: I'm the man.  
  
Kain: You're the man.  
  
Ryan: (throwing his voice) Ryan's the man!  
  
Malek: Ryan's the man?  
  
Turel: My ass.  
  
Ryan: Fry! (Zaps him)  
  
Turel: Ow!   
  
Melchiah: Serves ya right for NOT GETTING MY BODY!!!  
  
Rahab: Calm down. (Picks his head up and puts it on a skate board) There you go.  
  
Melchiah: This is not dignifying!  
  
Malek: And having one of your old rivals telling his kids about the time he banged Adolf Hitler is?  
  
Turel: I assume that the point is taken.  
  
Ryan: Yup.  
  
Mike: Uh-huh.  
  
Raziel: Do I look better wearing the tight leather pants, or the tight-tight leather pants?  
  
Vorador: Whichever is more comfortable.  
  
Janos: I say, asexually, that you look better in the tight-tight leather pants.  
  
Malek: I'm only in two games!  
  
Kain: I think I might visit you in Legacy of Kain: Defiance.  
  
Malek: You think?  
  
Kain: I visit your Bastion in the trailer and kill a lot of your purple Sarafan.  
  
Mike: It was sweet.  
  
Ryan: An the music rocks! I wanna play it!   
  
Vorador: You visit my place too, and you can play as Kain and Raziel.  
  
Raziel: I have a game? Do I get laid?  
  
Kain: Well, you see... I kinda... TO BE CONTINUED!!  
  
A few seconds pass in silence.  
  
Turel: Shit happened.  
  
Dumah: Face it dad, you gotta break it to him.  
  
Kain: Raziel, I-  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
Kain: Hey!   
  
Next time: Mike comes back in the prequal, and the gang goes on a hunt for Mel's body!  
  
That's right, two story's in one.   
  
Read and Review. 


	6. Mike is in da house, attacking Nisgoth

Disclaimer: I own this fic, and about an eighth of the things mentioned herein. Funny word, haha.  
  
Hitler's Ghost: Ya.  
  
Not funny.  
  
Chapter 6: Saving Mel, re-enter Mike  
  
Soul Reaver Era  
  
The scene is the Pillars. Kain is out cold on the throne, lounged out comfortably and mumbling about where Ariel's hot ass used to be. Ariel is floating over him, clearly enjoying the praise. Mike is leaned up against a support strut bearing his clan symbol (though he doesn't have a clan). It's shaped like *+*. Ryan is sprawled out across the circular floor, snoring loudly and chewing on his pillow. A knock his heard at the door.  
  
Mike: (wakes up and rubs his eyes) Malek better not be drunk again, last time he was, he knocked on the front doors and pretended to be a Japanese salesman selling metal thongs.  
  
Ariel: Who are you talking to?  
  
Mike: I didn't realise you were trying to slip Kain out of his pants.  
  
Ariel: Mind your manners!  
  
Mike: Well you are!  
  
Ariel: Then quit watching!  
  
Bam-bam  
  
Ryan: (rolls over) Shut up, shut up!  
  
Mike walks over to the entrance, and opens the doors. He sees nothing.  
  
Mike: What the hell?   
  
Voice: Down here!  
  
Mike: What do you want, Mel?  
  
Melchiah: (still bodyless and on the skate board) I got a call from a neighbouring region saying that if I don't get my rotting carcass out, they'll consider it a vehicle and give me a ticket.  
  
Mike: Sounds like those damn Nisgothians. Hang on.   
  
Mike strolls over to a gong, and looks around for something to strike it with. Seeing nothing, he just head butts it.  
  
Kain: (snaps awake) I'm up!  
  
Ryan: (rolls off the platform, and wakes up) Is my arm supposed to be bent like this?  
  
Ariel is quick to shift into the spectral realm, avoiding having to explain her actions to Kain.  
  
Kain: Is it just me, or are my pants at my knees.  
  
Melchiah: Looks like it, dad.  
  
Kain: (sees Melchiah) What the- (remembers the previous night) Oh, that. What is it?  
  
Melchah: We're gonna have to pay those damn Nisgothians if we don't get my body back!  
  
Ryan: Hold the phone.   
  
He pauses for a moment.  
  
Ryan: (bewildered) You're telling me that your decaying, blind, ass ugly corpse ran it's way into Nisgoth?  
  
Melchiah: Yeah.  
  
Kain: Only my brood. (Starts squeezing the stress ball) Just six more centuries, just- (the ball pops from the pressure, spilling sand on his crotch) six more GODDAMN centuries!  
  
Mike: I'll round the boys up.  
  
Kain: Don't forget the lieutenants!  
  
They're all teenagers. Horny, horny teenagers.  
  
Ryan: Now would be an appropriate 'Ooh, burn!' situation.  
  
Mike: Are we that immature after two millennia?  
  
Kain: Yes.  
  
Mike, Kain, Ryan: Ooh, burn!  
  
Melchiah: Hey, be nice!  
  
Kain: Screw off. (Kicks the head off the skateboard) I love my kids!  
  
Ryan: Nice way to show it.  
  
Kain: Shut up. To Dumah's!  
  
Mike: Oh what would we do without you...  
  
Ryan: Kain-sama.  
  
At Dumah's Bastion  
  
Kain: You! (Points to a passing Dumahim) Where's your old man?  
  
Dumahim: Right there. (Points to a figure in the distance bench pressing a woman)  
  
Ryan: That's him alright.  
  
Mike: You think?  
  
At the very other end of the courtyard  
  
Dumah: (bench pressing a slave woman (think Brittany Spears, 'cept a Brunnette) and having a conversation with her) So, thinking of a good college?  
  
Slave Girl: University actually.  
  
Dumah: Really? My dad's the dean of the 'Pillars of Nosgoth if you dan't make the cut I'll feed you to my fat friend Mike' Academy.  
  
Slave Girl: Really? Wow, you sure are nice, I expected you to eat me.  
  
Kain: (who snuck up on them) So was I.   
  
Dumah: Hi dad.  
  
Slave Girl: Wow, this is Lord Kain?   
  
Kain: In all my demigod glory. Dumah, your brother made an ass out of himself in Nisgoth, to avoid an international incident, you're coming with us.  
  
Dumah: But dad, I was gonna get laid!  
  
Slave Girl: No you weren't.  
  
Dumah: In that case- (tosses her off) Free white girl for grabs!  
  
A crowd of Dumahim rush over and drag her off.  
  
Slave Girl: I'll get you for this!  
  
Kain: Yeah, and Umah's breasts were real!  
  
Ryan: They weren't?!  
  
Mike: ^.- Dumbass.  
  
Dumah: I'll get Malek then. (Turn around) Malek, to our aid!  
  
Malek: (appears and poses) I am at your ser- (notices the giggling Ryan and the blank expressions on everyone elses face) Dammit! Again! What the wtf do you want?  
  
Mike: 'What the what the fuck do we want'?  
  
Malek: I can still taze you.  
  
Mike: (throws his hands up and gives him a friendly expression) That won't be necessary, I clearly overstepped my boundaries. Will you _ever_ forgive me?  
  
Malek: Cut the false courtesy, it's demeaning.  
  
Ryan: And it makes you look like a pussy.  
  
Mike: (let's his arms fall just a little to fast, and smacks Ryan over the head) Whoops.  
  
Ryan: Ow!  
  
Kain: Enough crap, Dumah, get Turel. Mike, Malek, get Janos and Vorador. Ryan and I will get Raziel, the smart one and the Mountain Dew freak.  
  
Malek: I assume you mean Rahab and Zephon.  
  
Kain: Sure-sure. I didn't name them.  
  
Mike: (mutters) And that's why they aren't named after the Beatles.  
  
Mike and Malek disappear in a purple mist.  
  
Dumah: I'll get cracking. Hey you!  
  
Random Dumahim: Me?  
  
Dumah: Yeah, you! How's the catapult?  
  
Random Dumahim: Unstable. The chance of landing on your target is non existence, and even surviving is kinda tricky.  
  
Dumah: (already in it) I like those odds.  
  
Dumah is flung into the distance towards the giant smokestacks.  
  
Kain: Shall we?  
  
Ryan: Do you have a better idea?  
  
Kain: Fine, be a dick.  
  
They fade away.  
  
Vorador's Mansion  
  
Mike: Yo, V-man! Get your green ass out here!  
  
Random Bride: Aren't you a sexy one.  
  
Malek: Keep it in my pants.  
  
Bride: Isn't it, keep it in your pants?  
  
Malek: Now!  
  
Mike: Alright... (wanders off)  
  
In the Background: Now that's some high quality steel!  
  
Mike: (shudders) Where the hell is that perverted father of mine. DAD!  
  
Vorador: (appears in front of Mike) What are you doing here? The next practice meeting isn't for three days.  
  
Mike: Melchiah's body is gonna cause an international incident with Nisgoth... again.  
  
Vorador: Someone ought to weld it on. I'll get your grandfather. Disco is back!  
  
Janos: (kicks the doors off their hinges and run in at top speed) Really?!  
  
Vorador: Nope.  
  
Janos: DAMMIT!! Then why did you get me excited?  
  
Vorador: Trouble with Nisgoth.  
  
Janos: Again?!  
  
Mike: Yup. Me and Malek came to get the two of you.  
  
Vorador: Where's Malek?  
  
Mike: He's been... detained.  
  
Malek's Voice on the wind: Yes yes yes!  
  
Vorador: What the hell was that?!  
  
Mike: (quickly) I didn't hear anything.  
  
Malek: (throws open the doors and walks in, lighting a Players) What's up?  
  
Janos: Hi Malek.  
  
Vorador: What the hell were you doing?  
  
Malek: Nothing.  
  
Mike: What did you think he was doing, sleeping with one of your wives?  
  
M&M: (both chuckle nervously)  
  
Turel's Clan Territory  
  
Turel: Again?  
  
Dumah: (completely covered in twigs) Yup.  
  
Turel: Shit.  
  
Rahab's Territory  
  
Rahab: (overjoyed) Father, you came to visit me!  
  
Kain: Don't get excited, it's business.  
  
Rahab: I should've known.  
  
Kain: I'll explain the situation on the way to the pillars.  
  
Rahab: That's Pillars, with a capital.  
  
Kain: (mutters incoherently)  
  
Raziel's Clan Territory  
  
Raziel: Oh phooey, we have to walk? Why couldn't Melchiah be beautiful like me and stay in one place.  
  
Ryan: Because you'd chase him down until you forced him into incest carnality.  
  
Raziel: You know me well, don't you?  
  
Ryan: Indeed I do.  
  
Zephon's Pad  
  
Kain: Hello, anyone here?  
  
Rahab: I believe he has left, father.  
  
Kain: Oh no, that sneaky little bastard is hiding on us.  
  
Rahab: Why would you suspect that, father?  
  
Kain: Because I smell Mountain Dew. (He shoots electricity straight up, and shocks the crap out of Zephon)  
  
Zephon: Arg! (Losses his grip) Uh-oh, this is gonna- (lands hard) Oof!  
  
Rahab: It appears you were correct.  
  
Kain: No shit Sherlock. Get up!  
  
Zephon: (crawls onto his feet) Hi dad, funny seeing you here... Heheh...  
  
Kain: You're abbs are on fire.  
  
Zephon: I try to keep fit.  
  
Rahab: Your t-shirt is on fire!  
  
Zephon: Huh? (Looks down) AAAHH!! I'm on fire!! (starts to run in circles)  
  
Kain: I guess he's a flaming homo now, huh?  
  
Rahab: That was rude.   
  
Kain: Oh shut up.  
  
At the Pillars, with a capital as Rahab reminds us. Little prick  
  
Kain: (briefing the group using a map) Alright, we attack on the front gates, are ambushed here, kill him, him and him then retreat to the east, pick up Melchiah's body, and run all the way back to the Pillars. Any questions?  
  
Turel: Couldn't you just teleport it, grab it and teleport out?  
  
Kain: Who is the Lord of Nosgoth?  
  
Turel: You...  
  
Kain: I had a schedule. Wake up at noon, read the next chapter of Chibi Kain to you guys, then smack Ariel.  
  
Ariel: (to Malek) Isn't he so romantic?  
  
Malek: Sure...  
  
Kain: But I didn't anticipate this. Now we're all going in, and killing a lot of assholes.   
  
Raziel: Eww, bloodshed! Do we have to?  
  
Kain: It's that, or visit my mother.  
  
All: (shudder horribly)  
  
Dumah: (dressed like a navy SEAL) What's the mission eta?  
  
Kain: About thirty minutes. Deploy!  
  
The entre group starts to run for the border of Nisgoth. Upon arrival, they massacre a group of school children trying to sell them cookies. They arrive at the capital, Moridian.  
  
Kain: Die today as heros, lest we live tomorrow as slaves!  
  
All: For Nosgoth!!  
  
They charge the gate. A group of Sarafan jump in their path, and are cut down. The group splits up. The ancients rush the Castle, killing all in their way. Raziel and Zephon stop for ice-cream. Malek and Dumah cause chaos, and Rahab, along with Turel hit the library.  
  
Kain: Die, scum! (Blows him into pieces with the Soul Reaver, then strikes down another with lightening) Boo-yeah!  
  
Mike: Implode! (Blows a guy apart) Spirit Death! (Steals the soul of one) Immolate!  
  
Ryan: (on fire) That's REAL funny!  
  
Mike: Whoops!  
  
Vorador: Have at you! (Stabs a guy) Remind you of anything?  
  
Janos: (claws out a dude's throat) You eight grade graduation!  
  
Vorador: God bless this land!  
  
Dying Nisgothian: Thank you!  
  
Vorador: I meant God bless my land.  
  
Dying Nisgotian: Shit! (Dies in a pool of blood)  
  
Ryan: (now fine) Flay!  
  
Dude: Oh my god!!! (get's skinned alive)  
  
Kain: There it is! (Points to Melchiah's body)  
  
Ryan: I'll get it! (Guts a guy then runs another one through) That hurt! (Throws him off and grabs the body) Let's go!  
  
Mike: I'll make the signal! Fireworks! (Casts fireworks)  
  
At the library  
  
Turel: Huh, they did it fast this time.  
  
Rahab: To the Kain mobile! (Hops on his scooter)  
  
In the courtyard  
  
Dumah: (disembowels a guy, and bites another's throat out) Wow, only seventy three innocent casualties this time.  
  
Malek: (cuts a man's legs out from under him, then decapitates two in one swing) Shit, you were counting?   
  
Ice-cream stand  
  
Raziel: Wow, those are pretty.  
  
Zephon: (hitting on some terrified woman) You know, the rumours about drinking Mountain Dew and having your testicles shrink are completely unfounded.  
  
Terrified Woman: Please don't hurt me!  
  
Zephon: Love to rape you, but I gotta run.  
  
Raziel: Too-dal-ooh.   
  
The two of them join the rest of the guys who are running. Nearing the borders, a group of Glyph Knights bar their path.  
  
Glyph Knight 1: You shall not path.  
  
Mike: You mean pass, right?  
  
The Knight doesn't manage to answer, as a man lands on his head, crushing his skull. He kicks off and roundhouses another one's face, twisting the head around to a lethal angle. He touches down lightly, and throws the group a charismatic grin. He wears metal greaves and pads to block, and has a flowing cape. His hands have five blood stained claws each.  
  
Cool Guy: Hey guys!  
  
Mike: Back from business so soon, Orpheum?  
  
OrpheumZero: Commerce just isn't the same anymore. How you guys holding up?  
  
The last two Knights attack him from behind, and he rolls off to the side. Malek takes one down, and Raz kicks the last one in the balls.  
  
Knight: My... groin... (dies from shock)  
  
Dumah: Hey man!  
  
Janos: Good to see you again.  
  
Ryan: Any news from Concept or Angel-chan?  
  
OrpheumZero: You too, no and no. They'll show up.  
  
Kain: Enough talk! To the Pillars! I have to read you guys a chapter.  
  
AT THE Pillars.  
  
Kain: Alright, it goes like this.  
  
Blood Omen: The Legacy of Chibi Kain  
  
Chapter 5: Mike, back in da house  
  
The boys and the Vamp Smurf are on their way to Vasserbunde.  
  
RE Mike: You know, that smurf was pretty stacked.  
  
Kain: My only regret was that I was drunk for it.  
  
Ryan: Damn, how many times have we passed that one lizard?  
  
Kain: Just once.  
  
Ryan: How about that one?  
  
Kain: We haven't reached it yet.  
  
Ryan: And that one?  
  
RE Mike: That's an empty keg, dude.  
  
Ryan: Oh. And that?  
  
Kain: A sign saying 'Welcome to Vasserbunde, the driest city in Nosgoth'.  
  
Ryan: How long till we reach Vasserbunde?  
  
RE Mike: About three seconds.  
  
Guy: Welcome to Vasserbunde! Feel free to drink my blood to achieve the power of disguise!  
  
Ryan and Kain pounce on him and feast upon his lifeblood.  
  
RE Mike: (eats a granola bar)  
  
Kain: Ooh, lemon flavored.  
  
Ryan: My end tasted like banana, really.  
  
RE Mike: Shall we enter?  
  
Kain: Absolutely.  
  
Ryan: Hey look, that guy is riding a buggy!  
  
RE Mike: I'd prefer a Chevy, thank you very much.  
  
Kain: He means a coach.  
  
RE Mike: I realize that.  
  
Coach Rider: You guys want a ride?  
  
Kain: (hops on) Take us to Nupraptor's retreat.  
  
Coach Rider: I can take you to the barrier.  
  
Ryan: (hops on, followed by RE Mike) What barrier? Moebius after Nutty's butt again?  
  
Coach Rider: Yup. Made us all hold candles in the dark to make him a message.  
  
Kain: A message?  
  
Coach Rider: Can I be your bitch.  
  
RE Mike: Eww!  
  
Kain: That is disturbing!  
  
Ryan: No, really?  
  
Coach Rider: (whips the horse) The key to opening the barrier is an evil book called the Necronomicon Ex Mortus. It has evil passages, and none of the local folk have tried to read it!  
  
Kain: Interesting. Where is this book?  
  
Coach Rider: On an alter in front of the mental institute.  
  
RE Mike: Mental institiute?  
  
Coach Rider: He's the world's greatest psychiatrist, he is!  
  
Ryan: Is he?  
  
Coach Rider: He is!  
  
RE Mike: How long until we reach it?  
  
Coach Rider: We've stopped since I told you about the candle message.  
  
Kain: Asshole! (Pokes him with the Iron Butter knife)   
  
The group jumps out, and walk into a cave with a save point and an alter, holding the Necro... something.  
  
Kain: All I have to do is read the right passage... How about this one? Friendus, fatus, give backus!  
  
A purple gate opens and starts to draw in RE Mike.  
  
RE Mike: Wrong passage!! AAHHH(gets sucked in)HH!!!  
  
Kain: Whoops!  
  
Ryan: Damn, two Mike's in a row!  
  
The portal isn't done though, and it throws a figure out. He rises to his feet.  
  
Mike: Mike is in the house!  
  
Ryan: Dude!  
  
Mike: Didja miss me?  
  
Kain: Actually the silence was refreshing. Next passage. Wardus open, or I'll ass your kickus!  
  
The barrier fades out.  
  
Mike: Nice one.  
  
Ryan: Cool... as... HELL!  
  
Mike: The door to Nupraptor's Retreat has opened. Sweet.  
  
Kain: Let's go.  
  
Within the mental institute.  
  
Receptionist: Do you have an appointment?  
  
Kain: No.  
  
Receptionist: Are you in need of one?  
  
Kain: No.  
  
Receptionist: Are you here to kill Nupreator and hold the biggest keggar in history?  
  
Kain: Yes.  
  
Receptionist: I can slip you in as soon as his current appointment is through.  
  
Kain: My thanks.  
  
The three guys take a seat, and wait... and wait... and flip through indecent magazines, and guess what? Wait... Until-  
  
Receptionist: The doctor will se you know!  
  
All Three: Thank you.  
  
In the office  
  
Nut-grabber: Hello. YOU TWO!!  
  
Ryan and Mike: (in a singsong voice) Hello Nut-grabber!  
  
Kain: PREPARE YOURSELF FOR DEATH!!  
  
Mike: Just a little too dramatic there.  
  
Malek: (appear, and brandishes his pike) WAZZUP?!  
  
Mike: But not that bad.  
  
Nutty: Have you come to ridicule me getting mugged again, ward?  
  
Malek: Pretty much, yeah.  
  
Nut Raptor: Damn.  
  
Kain: I will kill you, and restore Nosgoth's balance!  
  
Nutboy: You're Kain, aren't you?  
  
Kain: Observant for a blind man!  
  
NutTaster: I will not yield without battle!  
  
Kain: (points to the wall) What's that?!  
  
Nutro: Huh? (Turns around)  
  
Kain: Die! (Leaps up and decapitates him)  
  
Kain walks over to the bleeding head, and lifts it over his head.  
  
Kain: Alas, poor Nupraptor, I knew him well.  
  
Mike: Not as well as us.  
  
Kain: Shut up.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
Soul Reaver Era  
  
Kain: How was that chapter?  
  
Rahab: Badly arranged.  
  
Turel: Boring.  
  
Raziel: Arousing.  
  
Melchiah: I'm teling you people, scotch tape will not keep my head on!  
  
Malek: I was in it!  
  
Zephon: Good, despite absence of Mountain Dew.  
  
All: (deadpan) Do the dew.  
  
Dumah: Does this count as the next practice meeting?  
  
Kain: No.  
  
Janos: I must say, your youth is intriguing!  
  
Vorador: Not too shabby.  
  
Mike: I could've sworn I kicked his corpse in the crotch...  
  
Ryan: That's the next chapter.  
  
Kain: Alright, tomorrow we read about my first party!  
  
All: (sarcastic) Yay.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
Alright! Finished another one.  
  
For the sake of Kain, review!! 


	7. The kegger of the century

Disclaimer: I own Mike. I don't own Ryan, I hella don't own Kain, and I don't even want Zephon. The same goes for the Circle of Nine. Or any author appearances. Oh, and there will be...  
  
OrpheumZero: Thank you for [insert review here]. It was a kind message. And yes, I shall do the following games in the series.  
  
Concept of a Demon: As promised, your in.  
  
Author's Note, previously called God of said fic's note: I'm gonna have a lot of character appearances (and disappearances) in this chap, along with a shit load of authors. Well, a few.   
  
My disclaimer is longer than my author's note, what-the-hell?  
  
Telling the Tale: The Legacy of Chibi Kain!  
  
Chapter 6(I hope): Death, Pillar Guardians and Chaos!  
  
[Pillars of Nosgoth]  
  
Download Turel's clan theme from the lost worlds, it rocks! (Theme wise)  
  
Kain is passed out upside down on his throne, and Ariel is cooking cookies (with human heart chips) for the boys to have at high school. Yes, their father is the Lord of Nosgoth, and they still have to go to school. (Wouldn't you send the little bastards?) Mike and Ryan are away on business, it seems someone going by the name % gave Not as Defiant as I hoped a bad review.   
  
Death to Kain's foes!!!!  
  
The lieutenants are sitting in a big circle waiting for the bus to take them for a six hour drive to school, and they are praying to Kain that said deity does NOT wake up. Unfortunately, Ariel's porta-stove *DING*'s as the cookies are done baking.  
  
Ariel: get them while they're hot!  
  
Kain: (snaps awake and slips off of the throne, landing head first onto the cement, then collapsing onto the ground) Doof!  
  
Ariel: Oh my Kain! I killed Kain!  
  
Rahab: Perhaps not. Dumah?  
  
Dumah: Yup.  
  
Zephon: (waring a Mountain Dew hat and t-shirt. Kain made him wear jeans before he fell back asleep) Make sure of it.  
  
Raziel: Club him on the head to finish him off!  
  
Turel: Guys, not a good plan!  
  
Melchiah: I'll get his skin, and since it's so strong, it won't rot off!  
  
Dumah: (ignoring Turel) And I'll get the Reaver. (Picks up a club and starts to walk to Kain, he stands over him and is about to club him when he feels something pointy touching his crotch. He looks down)  
  
Kain: (with the Reaver up to Dumah's nads) I suggest you back away. Slowly. Now fast, and watch out for the stove.  
  
Dumah: Huh? (Trips over the stove, stumbles around, and finally gets his balance, before a semi translucent projectile wave hits him in the back of the head and he collapses face first onto the stove) Hot hot hot!!  
  
Ariel: Hold still!! (grabs a spatula and pry's his face off)   
  
Dumah: Huhhh, huhhh, huhhh... (continues breathing deeply, then looks at Turel)  
  
Turel: Mel did it.  
  
Melchiah: What are you talking about? I had to pay you fifty Kainers (dollars, euro, whatever) cuz I thought you wouldn't do it!  
  
Raziel: Ooh, bloodshed time.  
  
Turel: Not funny.  
  
Kain: Actually, it was the funniest damn thing I've seen since Hitler's ghost came back for Malek.  
  
[Malek's Bastion]  
  
Malek: Suffer for your insolence! (Twists a lever)  
  
Malek's Mailman(who was stupid enough to call him bucket boy): Oh god, no!!   
  
The same crushing device from Melchiah's clan begins to descend.  
  
Malek: HAHAAHAHHAHAH!!  
  
Voice: We are having fun, ya?  
  
Malek: Oh shit, not again!  
  
Hitler's Ghost: Gimme some sugar, metal man!  
  
Malek: I'm screwed!!! What the hell is that!?  
  
Soul Reaver Raz: (sneaking up behind Hitler)  
  
Hitler: I'm not going to fall for that, ya!  
  
Raz: Pity. (Pulls off his cowl and devours Hitler)  
  
[Sanctuary of the Clans]  
  
Also called the Pillars  
  
Dumah: Die you strong legged dog! (Charges at Turel)  
  
Turel: (takes advantage of having strong legs and kicks Dumah in the chest, knocking him back) Oops, did I just break a rib?  
  
Dumah: (grinning fiercely with blood running down the corner of his mouth) Let's check. (Feigns left then gives Turel a good right hook) Oops, did I crack a tooth? I'm so sor-Oof! (Gets shot away a la force projectile)  
  
Turel: Take that you over sized spider monkey!  
  
Zephon: (clears his throat)  
  
Turel: ... normal monky.  
  
Dumah: Oh yeah?!  
  
Kain: (picks him off the ground by the hair) Yeah. (Smashes him face first into the ground)  
  
Turel: Thanks dad!  
  
Kain: (telekinesis to draw Turel over, fast, and clotheslines him out of mid air) Anyone else wanna piss me off?  
  
Zephon: (farts)  
  
Kain: You dumb son of a bitch.  
  
Zephon: Heh, you're a bitch!  
  
Kain: (casts lightning on Zephon)  
  
Zephon: Kyaa! (Slams into a column)  
  
Kain: Anyone else?  
  
Rahab: At this time it is more than likely for the remaining three, including myself, to realize the danger of this action.  
  
Ariel: Rahab, ex ne on stating the obvious, you're pissing him off..!  
  
Rahab: Sorry miss Ariel.  
  
Raziel: I can't wait till history class!  
  
All the Lieutenants: (agree in various ways and drool)  
  
Kain: Here's a bit of history for you, my first party since high school. (Pulls out: The Big Book of Blood Omen, starring ME!)  
  
All: Oh god!  
  
Zephon: Please no...  
  
Raziel: You have got to be kidding me! I just fixed my hair!  
  
Kain: What the does that have to do with sitting your ass down and hearing about my amazing exploits?  
  
Dumah: (cracks a rib back into place) I like it dad!  
  
Kain: You had damn well better.  
  
Rahab: It's actually fascinating.  
  
Turel: I hate having the sense of hearing.  
  
Melchiah: (sneaks up beside him) WHAT?  
  
Turel: (jumps up onto the walkway above the fallen Pillars) Mel, YOU SCARED THE UNLIVING CRAP OUT OF ME!!  
  
Melchiah: I try.  
  
Ariel: You can't! (Thinks of an excuse) The kids bus will be here any minute now!!  
  
All: (agree in various fashions)  
  
Kain: It's a six hour drive. Sit your asses down, I'll warp you when the chapters done.  
  
All: (sigh in despair)  
  
Kain: Here it goes. I am a volcano of lust, I finally killed that damn cetra bitch, and knocked up that ninja girl, Godo's daughter. What the hell?  
  
Ariel: You were cheating on me?  
  
Turel: You're the man!  
  
Sephiroth (from FF7): (walks in, takes the book from Kain's hand, and leaves)  
  
Kain: Wrong diary. Anyone make a pun on that and I'll send you to Janos' place for a week!  
  
All: (shudder)  
  
Kain: Here it is.   
  
***  
  
Telling the Tale: The Legacy of Chibi Kain, Tome 1  
  
Chapter 6: Drinking like fish, passing out like the Irish  
  
The boys are still in Nupraptor's office, having killed him only moments ago.  
  
Kain: What?! Arrg..! (does the life up animation from BO2, and grows half an inch) Ha! Victory id mine, and mine alone!  
  
Mike: (kicks the late Nupraptor in the crotch) Old fool, hiding all of Nosgoth's alcohol for himself, now we shall rejoice.  
  
Ryan: What's with the proper english, Mike-kun?  
  
Mike: (struggles to keep his rage down) I got bored, figured I'd say something smart.  
  
Kain: Shut up!   
  
Both: (simmer down)  
  
Kain: We shall hold the greatest keg party in Nosgothic history, and become unto their drunk asses Gods!  
  
Ryan: Have you snapped?  
  
Kain: No, but I have bad high school memories.  
  
Mike: Really?  
  
[Flashback]  
  
Kain: (dressed like a teenage nobleman's child, which he is)  
  
Moebius and Mortanius sneak up on him, and drag him into the bathroom stalls and tie him down, then duct tape his mouth to a keg tap. He was brain drunk for six weeks.  
  
[Flashback]  
  
Kain: And I've had it in for those two ever since.  
  
Mike: Since when?  
  
Kain: Weren't you watching my flashback?  
  
Ryan: What the hell do you think this is, TV?   
  
Kain VO: And I felt my rage boil to unsurpassed hights, reveling in my-  
  
Mike: Kain, snap out of it!  
  
Kain: Can't you hear my voice over's?!  
  
Ryan: What the hell do you think this is, the actual game?  
  
Malek: (who had been standing there since the last chap) Can I move now?  
  
Kain: Do whatever you want, tin man.  
  
Malek: (mumbles incoherently and teleport's away)  
  
Kain: Now, you- (points to Mike) start tapping in to our kegs!  
  
Mike: Deal.   
  
Mike leaves.  
  
Kain: And you- (points to Ryan)  
  
Ryan: (standing there, staring at the coffee stain on the ceiling)  
  
Kain: keep doing that. I'll call EVERYONE down!  
  
Me: Who are you talking to?  
  
Kain: Shut the hell up.  
  
Me: Don't argue with the narrato/author!  
  
Kain: Whatever.   
  
He proceeds to walk into the waiting room, slaughter everyone inside, take a leak, then start calling.  
  
Kain: (dials in a number) Hello, is Concept of a Demon there?  
  
Lesse: Just a second.  
  
Concept: Hello.  
  
Kain: Whoa, you sound just like the guy who picked up the phone!  
  
Concept: Really? What'cha want?  
  
Kain: Remember when Seph0201 said he'd get a bunch of reviewers and fit them in for a special guest star appearance?  
  
Concept: The kegger, I remember.  
  
Kain: Your invited! When can you be down by?  
  
Concept: (standing next to Kain) I already am!  
  
Kain: WHAA! Don't do that!!  
  
Concept: Alright, jeez, don't possess me to go stop Umah from shopping!  
  
Kain: Que?  
  
Concept: Never mind. (Takes a seat)  
  
Kain: (dials another number) Hello, is this Angel-chan?  
  
Angel-chan: Yup. Your author better not have gotten his ass kicked by Malek again, cuz I'm running low on the magic powder.  
  
Kain: Actually, I'm inviting you to the keggar seph0201 promised.  
  
Angel-chan: his fics have gotten so boring, I don't even review them!  
  
Kain: And to avoid him insulting you in this chapter, I suggest you show up for sympathy!  
  
Angel-chan: Oh, why not?  
  
Kain: Because your seventeen and I'm inviting heavy drinking men.  
  
Angel-chan: Oh yeah?! You think I'm a little girl who can't defend herself? I'll be there at eight!  
  
Kain: It's 8:30.  
  
Angel-chan: Who cares?  
  
Kain: Rightio.   
  
Ryan: (comes running in with Nuppy's head in one hand, and a door handle in the other) Check this out! (He stabs the door handle into the head) I made a mug!  
  
Concept: I expected that form Dumah, not you. Still funny as hell!  
  
Kain: Go back to inspecting the stain!  
  
As you can tell, Mike wrote this chapter.  
  
Mike's voice on the wind: No shit!  
  
Kain: (dial's up another number) Is this the Cirlce of Nine?  
  
Mortanius: (on the other end of the phone) Ah, Kain. What is it?  
  
Kain: You assholes wanna get drunk? I just killed the dude with the double A battery charged head.  
  
Mortanius: We'll be there!  
  
Kain: Alright. (Dial's another one) Is this the Seer?  
  
SL: No, she's asleep.  
  
Kain: Then I won't ask why. You two wanna come down to the Vasserbunde institute for the homoeroticaly insane?  
  
SL: I could use a drink. Let me find my briefs.   
  
Kain: Ahh, god my virgin minds eye hath been soiled!  
  
SL: Good for you.  
  
Kain: (dials in another one, again) Is this the pimp daddy of Termogent Forest?  
  
Vorador: Cut the crap Kain, you know it's me. Paul Luthaker's voice is quite distinctive.  
  
Kain: True. Wanna get a few of your brides drunk easily?  
  
Vorador: Just tell me where!!  
  
Kain: Nupraptor's place.  
  
Vorador: I'll be swift. Want me to bring my dad?  
  
Kain: It'll save me a phone call.  
  
Vorador: See you soon.  
  
Kain: (guess what he does?) Hello, is this the four idiot's residence?  
  
Marcus: Ah yes, Kain. With beer I presume?  
  
Kain: You're not invited.  
  
Marcus: And why the hell not?!  
  
Kain: You and Faustus are A) Too feminine, and B) Freak me out. Get the mute guy and Magnus to stop by though.  
  
Marcus: Whatever the hell you say, oh great son of-  
  
Kain: Good bye. (Hangs up on him, thinks for a second, then dial's again) Is this the Residence of OrpheumZero?  
  
OrpheumZero: If this is about starting a cult, I had NOTHING to do with it.  
  
Kain: Actually it's about a kegger.  
  
OrpheumZero: I'll be there on fifteen minutes.  
  
Kain: (dials up one last person)  
  
Son Goku: (the main guy from DBZ) Hi, I'm Goku!  
  
Kain: Is Brolli there?  
  
Son: Just a sec.  
  
Brolli: You had better have a good reason, I was killing Kakarotto.  
  
Kain: Wanna get drunk?  
  
Brolli: Are you coming on to me?  
  
Kain: Who do you take me for? Marcus?  
  
Brolli: (teleports beside Kain) I locked on to your ki.  
  
Kain: At least you didn't land on me!  
  
Concept: Oh yeah, freak out when I teleport in.  
  
Kain: It is set.  
  
Mike: (walks in, wide eyed)  
  
Kain: What is it?  
  
Mike: (picks Kain up and walks him to the next door in the Retreat)  
  
Kain: What the F**K are you doing?  
  
Mike: (opens the door)  
  
The entire building except the first two rooms is completely covered and filled with kegs.  
  
Kain: (wide eyed) Holy-  
  
Every window withing 1 light year shatters, killing a lt of aliens, too.  
  
Ariel: (completely stunned) Whathehellwasthat?  
  
  
  
[PARTY HOUR]  
  
Kain: (completely surrounded with Vorador's brides) So then I says to him I says– Kiss my ass!  
  
All: (start to giggle)  
  
Random Bride: Aren't you so cute!  
  
Kain: Hold me to your chest!  
  
Vorador: (crushes the mug in his hand)  
  
Brolli: (tears off the top of a keg and chugs the whole thing) Beat that!  
  
Angel-chan: (does the same thing, then crushes it on her head)  
  
Brolli: 0-0 Okay... time to rethink my strategy. (Picks on up and bites it, draining all the beer. He can't handle so much, and passes out)  
  
Angel-chan: Most dominate being in the universe my–  
  
Ryan: (holding Nupraptor's Mug, as he calls it, then scoops up some beer with it) I love beer, beer loves me, then I drink it and watch cheap porn! (Chugs it)   
  
OrpheumZero: You call that a chug! (Dunks his head in a tank and drains it of it's fluids) Try doing that!  
  
Ryan: How about, no?  
  
OrpheumZero: I knew you didn't have it in you!  
  
Sarafan Lord: (with the Seer on his lap) How's the party, my darling?  
  
Seer: It makes me shiver with excitement, like the first time I saw your- (gets flung over Magnus' shoulder) Hey!   
  
Magnus: 1400 ounces of meet, brined with implants, oozing with a hot body! MEAT! (Runs off)  
  
Sarafan Lord: Gimme back my girl friend you psychotic freak show!! You!  
  
Sebastian: Yes?  
  
Sarafan Lord: (swipes his voice box) Get me back my woman, or no pay for a century!  
  
Sebastian: (runs off using his speed ability which was weakened down to berserk for the final cut of the game)  
  
Magnus: None shall have my MEAT!! Rupture! (Which was weakened down to immolate for the game)  
  
Sebastian: (all the blood in his body explodes out of him) (tries to say something, then passes out)  
  
Magnus: Hahahaha! 1400 ounces of meat for 100 stones! My allotment is fulfilled!  
  
Seer: Then let me the hell go!  
  
Magnus: (runs out cackling madly)  
  
Sarafan Lord: (looks down to the mangled Sebastian) No pay for a century.  
  
Mortanius: Oh, I have not had such fun for many a century! How are you doing?  
  
Moebius: (drunk off his ass) ME drinkEE to much bEEr... (passes out)  
  
Bane: This drink is an affront to nature! I must purify it! (Chugs it)  
  
Malek: I should've gotten the bastard killed earlier. Do any of you have a secret stash?  
  
All: No.  
  
Malek: Shit.  
  
Dejoule: The one vampire is staring at me!  
  
Mortanius: (sees Mike staring evilly at her) He's just being friendly.  
  
Dejoule: (looks at him)   
  
Mike: (waves suggestively) Helloo... Dejoule!  
  
Dejoule: (sits up straight and make's sure she has her dress on right)  
  
Azimuth: Give me fifteen minutes with him!  
  
All: (stare at her)  
  
Anecrothe: Disturbing.  
  
Moebius: (wakes up and staggers over to Concept) You know when I was your age I was in to older men.  
  
Concept: (catches the Sarafan Lord as he runs by) Hold my drink.  
  
SL: Okay. (Does so)  
  
Moe: Ooh, playful.  
  
Concept: Hold still. (Dashes to him in a heartbeat and Berserk's his ass 27 times, then flip kicks him into the air, and roundhouses him on his way down) You've been f**ked.  
  
Moe: I can't move from the waist down!  
  
Concept: Consider yourself lucky, I was aiming for your neck. (Takes his beer back.)  
  
SL: Whoa.  
  
Kain: (gets onto a table and tabs his Iron Butter knife against his mug)   
  
Everyone - Moe: (look at him)  
  
Moe: What's going on? I'm paraplegic, I can't see him!  
  
Kain: I dub this, the greatest party in Nosgothic history!  
  
All: Yeah!  
  
Kain: Now if you don't mind, I'll pass out now. (Falls off the table onto a glass table, shattering it) Ow.  
  
END OF CHAPTER  
  
***  
  
[Sanctuary of the Clans]  
  
Kain: And that was my first keg party.  
  
Rahab: How is it that you played so little a part in the chapter, and knew what everyone else was doing?  
  
Turel: And can I start drinking?  
  
Kain: Go to hell, and screw off.   
  
Ariel: So that's what that horrible potty mouth was!  
  
Dumah: You talk like Janos, you know?  
  
Ariel: I try and I try, and he's still a better mother figure than me!  
  
Raziel: That's because he takes us shopping, and buys me make up and makes us lunch and makes us good cookies and-  
  
Zephon: Rubbed off on Raz a little to hard.  
  
Melchiah: Dad, if my head ever falls off again, do you think Ryan will do that to me?  
  
Kain: No doubt on my mind.  
  
Rahab: You must take us to school, or we'll miss History class!  
  
All the lieutenants: AAAHHH!!!  
  
Kain: What's up with History class?  
  
Turel: (whispers into his dad's ear) Umah's the teacher and she dresses like a Japanese school girl.  
  
Kain: (disappears and reappears in a flash, 'cept now he has a packsack slung over his shoulder and has a t-shirt on) You know, I never made it past the 10th grade.  
  
Turel: We're in 9th.  
  
Kain: Shut the hell up.  
  
Ariel: Oh Kain, I'm so glad you took an interest in education, and in your children!  
  
Rahab: (tearing up) I love you dad!  
  
Kain: Doesn't that hurt?  
  
Rahab: Nope.  
  
Kain: My boy!! (proud that he evolved, and gives him a hug)  
  
Melchiah: I can walk through things!  
  
Kain: My baby boy! (Hugs him)  
  
Raziel: I'm good looking!  
  
Kain: Go blow Moe.  
  
Zephon: Heheh, you rhymed! You should become a rapper!  
  
Kain: I'll cast myself into the abyss before I do that.  
  
Turel: I have a force projectile!  
  
Dumah: And I can constrict!  
  
Kain: I love all five of you! (Hugs them all except Raz)  
  
Raz: If I want dad's respect, I gotta do something cool. I know, I'll get him a date with Umah! (Looks at Ariel) But that'll break her heart! (Looks at the group hug) But I wanna be the damn favorite!!  
  
To Be ContiNued. Or should I say, conti nude?   
  
Kain: Shut up.  
  
Next time: Does the pretty boys plans come true? Will Kain respect him, and how will Umah react to having to teach the man who WROTE the damn history books? 


End file.
